Jibberish

It's 5am and I'm on my last night shift! Tried to get some kip ealier on, but I kept getting bleeped and now I've pretty much given up and am choosing to stay awake.

I want to write something on my blog, but I can't seem come up with anything coherent. So this post is a bit of a post for the sake of posting...
As I'm writing this, I'm beginning to see how ridiculous it is, so I shall just stop here...

Letter to my blog

Dearest blog

I've neglected you, haven't I?
Seriously, it's all that facebook's fault. Ok, perhaps you think it's a lame excuse, but facebook should come with a health warning! It's really quite addictive. And you know we all have 24 hours in a day.
Having said that, I do miss you much, my blog. You allow me to convert my feelings to thoughts and thoughts to words. You've shared in my joys, encountered my wrath and been blotted by my tears.
So perhaps we should rekindle this connection we once shared. I will try to make some effort. And you, well... you'll be there, as long as google's in business.

Me

Everything

Song of the moment.

Everything
Tim Hughes

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Chorus:
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Verse 2:
God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Bridge:
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

Thinking

Haven't blogged in a long time.

It's been a busy few weeks. Finally have a few days off and it feels fantastic to not have to be somewhere (ok... that somewhere is mostly at work)

In the last month, I've done lots of travelling, lots of contemplating, learning, growing.

Was in Dublin at the end of May for an acute medicine course. The course was actually really good. Very succinct, yet not too intense. Don't think anyone really wants to hear about the details of what I learnt about the best management of meningitis though. I did however experience something that I realised at that very time was a first. Well, I really only went to Dublin for the course. Arrived at the hotel about 12.30am on Monday morning and the course was due to start at 9.30am. As I got ready for bed, it hit me... Before that night, I had never stayed in a hotel room alone before. It was very strange. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. Did some thinking instead... the details of which are a little to close to my heart to blog.

Anyway, got back from the course on Tues night and left for Cardiff on Wed for W's wedding. Ahh... spent about 5 days there helping with wedding preparations, then there was the actual wedding. It was a trip that left me with lots and lots of thoughts. I was pretty sleep-deprived at the end of it, having stayed up quite a few of the nights chatting with my fellow bridesmaids. As I caught the flight back to Glasgow early Monday morning, I was really exhausted. Despite this, my mind was racing. I'd come to see what really mattered to me, what and who I'd taken for granted, what I wanted to change, how I want to lead my life...
It all sounds a little wishy-washy, but there's just so much that is in the form of "feelings and emotions" that it is hard to express. Furthermore, it may involve describing events or situations which might step on some toes...

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Anyway, after all the running between dublin, glasgow, cardiff, southampton etc, I returned to Glasgow and it was "payback time". It was work, work and more work. I'm sure no one really wants to hear more about that...

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Then there's the whole job saga. I wasn't offered anything during the initial round 1 offers. (the whole job application process in the UK is just too complicated to explain... all I can say is that it's far from organised and far from humane) Was resigned to having to apply for round 2 and do some locums from august... was even thinking of going travelling, doing missions work... it was all part of the "Why should I conform... I'll just go do all the things I've always wanted to do" phase.

Well, as I was trying to make changes to my CV before printing it out and sending my 2nd application for round 2, an email came in. Looked like one from the job people. I've learnt by now not to get my hopes up cos repeated disappointment still stings (and you thought I'd be completely numb by now). Opened the email and to my disbelief, it was an offer of a 1 year post in London/KSS. I was elated to have a job to go to in August. Given the current job situation, jobs are like gems... (it's sad I know) Then it started to set in... that in 6 weeks, I'm going to have to relocate across the country. I still don't know where in London or Kent or Surrey or Sussex I'll be working in or what the post entails. All I know is that I'll have to leave Glasgow.

It's been 8 years, a good 8 years. I still remember the time when I flew up from Cambridge to Glasgow for the medical school interview. It couldn't have gone more wrong. I'd left my lugguage on the conveyor belt and had to tell the bus driver to let me off so I could go collect my lugguage. Then getting in a cab from the bus station and it took me to the wrong place. And being told by the accommodation people that my interview venue was a 15 minute walk away. (I later stayed at that same student accommodation in my first year and realised that even when you walk that same route everyday at "Singapore+daughter-of-a-i-don't-wait-for-you-mother" pace, you won't make it there in 15 minutes) Needless to say I was late for my interview. Thankfully, the interviews were running late. The weather was to-die-for- a shade of winter grey with persistent drizzle and bone-biting chill. I told myself that Glasgow would be my last choice of Universities. Well well... guess what, I've lived in this "last choice" place for 8 years and have absolutely loved every bit of it. I've seen in these years how faithful my God has been and how even when my human mind cannot see beyond the blanket of grey, the light always breaks through. Once again, the joy is in the journey :)

So dear Glasgow, it looks like our 8 years is nearly over and it's time I bid farewell. I'll visit, promise!

God's been faithful and will remain faithful... "I must trust, I must trust... and believe that I can trust...."

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More to come...

The weather

How British! The weather. It features in nearly every conversation, it influences peoples' moods, it determines how many intoxicated patients will present at the ED...

Ah, but bad weather. Bad weather just seems to follow me! Seriously! Whenever I'm off, the weather's crap and when I'm working, it's nice! I'm not exaggerating!
And yes, whenever I'm away on holiday, the weather will be great till the day before I arrive, then it'll pour till the day I leave... then it'll be sunny again!

It'll be sunny tomorrow... cos I'm working...

Funny dream

I think I've got blogger's diarrhoea... one post after another. Or perhaps it's more like "overflow" diarrhoea from not having posted anything for a while.

And I do apologise for how graphic the last paragraph is. The medics amongst you would probably not even flinch, but for everyone else, I hope you weren't having your dinner whilst reading.

Anyway, I just remembered a funny dream I had last night... and thought I'd have to put it down... just cos it was so ridiculous I'm beginning to doubt my sanity.

I don't actually remember all the details, but what I do remember is that I was being taken advantage of by one of the consultants whom I'd worked for last year, Dr C (he's a bit of a tyrant, albeit a physically not-so-large one) and there was this hunk of a guy who came to my rescue- yup, full 6-pack and "muscly". I was so happy that he came to my before any harm befell me, but after he rescued me, he shrunk down to the size of an action figure and asked me to put him back on the shelf!

You know how dreams are often influenced by the recent events? Well, this was a really hilarious combination! Serves me right for winging about Dr C with one of the other medics the other day...

The first thing that comes to mind when I recalled the dream...

Dr C:








My hero:









LOL :)

Postpone the negative thoughts

Dearest blog...
I was going to vent all my frustrations, pen all my woes and release all that pent up emotion within me.

I'll have to postpone doing so now cos I've now thought about the SofM and am feeling better already. To speak of all the negative things would just make me feel low, so there's not much point in doing so.

So we shall just keep it at raindrops on roses, warm woollen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings... (I've omitted those that I don't actually think are that nice anyway)



Edelweiss... I actually think it sounds prettier than it looks.



Love,
your faithful owner

The Sound of Music

Let's start at the very begninning.

Meant to post this last week, but following my return from London, things got a little hectic (mostly with work). Perhaps the moment has passed me by and I will not be able to fully express the joy that watching The Sound of Music brought. But I shall try anyway.

I am the sort of person who would rather not watch a movie than watch it on my own. I have never wanted to watch a movie that badly. Trips to the cinema are more social for me.

So you see, the SofM really has such a special place in my heart. I went down to London for an interview, which went badly. There was no point in dwelling on it, and the weather was crap and my feet were sore from those heels... So I decided that I'd just go to the box office and buy myself tickets to the SofM. It didn't matter that no one was free to go with me. It didn't matter that I would have to hang around town for the next 4 hours. I wanted to watch it. Full-stop.

It was fantastic!!! I bought the best tickets I could get, got there, squeezed past groups of tourists, families, couples etc... plonked myself (and my shopping bags) down and enjoyed the musical from beginning to end. It's my favourite musical of all time. The one that I'd learnt all the songs to as a child. The one that would make me smile no matter how grey the skies are, or how deep the valleys seem. It didn't matter who was sitting on my left and right. It didn't matter that my feet were still sore. I was there... in the hills, in the chapel, in the von Trapp family home. It felt like 2 hours where I was transported out of this problem-filled world to a world where I felt I was 5 again and my only care was how I was going to convince dad to buy me that toy.

I could watch it again. Again and again and again. I've tried to relive it all by buying the soundtrack, but its not the same. There'll be a next time. I'd watch it, whether I'm 30 or 50 or 80... and I know I'd still feel like a 5-year-old again!

Hmm... It's worked! I feel happier just talking about it...

Rodgers and Hammerstein- what geniuses!!!

Mish mash

So much on my mind. A whole load of mish mash.

The past week and a half has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

At this point in time, I have so much to say, but all I want to do is dig a big hole in the ground and hide away from the world.

Oops

On nights at the moment. Was finishing this morning when one of the Registrars walks in.

Him: "Hi."
Me: "Oh, hi."

I then notice something on his upper lip.

Me: "Oh dear, what happened to your lip."
Him: "Cold sore."

He proceeded to walk on.

I seem to have a knack for embarrassing situations. It honestly looked like he'd bitten his lip or had fallen over or something.

At least I didn't reply with: "Tried zovirax?"

The PPPP+H of salt

Do you believe in coincidences? What if the timing is just so perfect? Would you then believe that it is all the hand of God?

I was doing QT this morning. Read Leviticus 2. I often find it difficult to see the relevance of old testament traditions in life today, but Leviticus 2 did make an impression. The book of Leviticus starts by talking about the different offerings that the Israelites offered unto God. Lev 2 speaks of the grain offering. They offered different types of grain offering unto the Lord, but the important thing about each grain offering was a) it must be without yeast and b) it must be seasoned with salt.

Salt. It's mentioned a lot in the bible. We are called to be the salt of the earth. And to not lose our saltiness, or we'll lose all usefulness. The bible commentary spoke of salt as a substance that penetrates, that preserves and brings healing. Such a simple substance, with such tremendous properties. When I think about the healing properties of salt, I can't help but relate it to salt on an oral ulcer. It really really smarts, doesn't it? How you have to grit your teeth and contort every facial muscle as the salt penetrates the ulcer. Yet you do it cos you know that it will help the ulcer to heal. Somehow (I don't really know why), that led me to think of Hebrews 12:11-
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

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Went to church. Pastor Fred was preaching. And guess what? He started with Matthew 5, about us being salt of the earth. Then he referred us back to Leviticus 2. At that moment, I couldn't help but think to myself... "You can't be serious... of all passages in the bible... Lord, you can't speak louder than this, can you?"
From his sermon, I was reminded of yet another "P" property of salt- Purity. Salt is pure. I was wondering how salt, NaCl can lose it's saltiness. Well, it's when it loses it's purity, when it is contaminated.

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So now when I think of salt, I think of all the "Ps"
Purity
Preservative
Penetrance
Pain

+ healing properties... couldn't come up with a "P" for that...

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Glorious weekend

I had a lovely weekend :)

It's been a while since I've felt this sense of liberation. No exams, no interviews, no work. It's momentary, I know, but I really really did try to make the most of this weekend. Phoned mum and dad on Friday morning, then had brunch outdoors with R, proceded to the Botanics and lay on the grass, soaked in the sunshine and read my favourite magazine (ok, it's Grand Designs, I shall admit)
Friday evening was spent at Prayer meeting. Played the KB, something I've not done in such a very long time and I was really blessed by the ministry:)

Was meant to go to Loch Lomond on Saturday, but that was cancelled. Spent the morning thinking of what a beautiful day it was, blasting "Casting Crowns" latest album and just thanking God and remembering His faithfulness. Then had breakfast, and did my long overdue ironing whilst watching Saturday Kitchen (ok, again sad, but there's no better way to spend a Saturday morning). Took a roadtrip to Aberfoyle and went cycling with friends in the afternoon. Just imagine peddling as fast as you can along the banks of the loch, sun on your back, wind in your face. Bliss.
Back in Glasgow, chatted with friends whom I hadn't spoken to in ages, had a nice shower, then met a R and O for hot chocolate/vanilla steamer.

Weather today was not too nice, combination of wind, rain and some sunshine. Spent the morning in church (more about that later), then went supermarketing (bought enough to feed an army, or just me for a week) and joined blockbuster. Yup, I joined blockbuster. Even I find it difficult to believe.

The weekend's coming to an end... It's bank holiday Monday tomorrow, but I don't get public holidays. Start nights tomorrow. Still, I thank God for the great weekend. As for the nights... It'll just make me appreciate my next weekend off even more:)

More ranting

Bad bad day at work.

It's a long story involving me, another doctor, the medics and a patient with an anterior communicating artery aneurysm. Was told this morning by one of the nurses that that I'd better flee the country cos that "another doctor" was going to shoot my ass.

Considering it's day 7 of my 11-day stretch of non-stop work, I was already losing the plot and I really didn't need this to spoil the rest of the day. Nonetheless, being the anti-conflict person that I am, it's still floating about in my mind and I'm dreading tomorrow, when I'll probably have to face the "show down".

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I had the feeling it wasn't going to be a good day. Took a cab to work (cos the underground doesn't open till 10am on Sundays, and my sleep is too important for me to commence the hour-long trek to work at 7am). The cab driver turned up in his shiny white VW Passat all in good time. I got in and the conversation went:

Him: "So, you're on your way to work?"
Me: "Yup."
(Silence for a while)

Him: "You're a doctor, or?" (wonder why he didn't complete the question)
Me: "Yup, I'm a doctor."

Normally, at this point, the conversation could go one of 3 ways:
a) He could start telling me about his aunt or uncle or cousin who was admitted to hospital last year with "double pneumonia" and contracted MRSA, which killed him.

b) He could just move on to some other topic like the sort of stuff one must see in an inner city emergency department, or even something not medically related.

c) He could start trying to "get some medical advice".

Well, today's cabby decided on the third option. Normally, I don't have issues with people asking me for random bits of advice (even though I often haven't a clue what caused their strange rash or spot or lump). But I was tired and wishing I was anywhere else apart from in a cab on the way to work on a sunny sunday. The last thing I wanted was for work to start even earlier... Needless to say, I obliged him with advice about his "frozen shoulder", which basically, he already knew anyway cos his GP had been dealing with it.

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When bombshells are dropped early in the morning, your day is inevitably affected. I'm referring to the potential conflict, not the cabby. Plodded on through the rest of the day and was just so glad when it was all over.

But alas, tomorrow is d-day. Plus, I still have 2 days of 9-and-a-half hour shifts and another 2 days of 12-hour shifts to survive before I get a day off. Can't wait for friday. Then I wish that Monday would never come. Starting nights on Monday:(

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I'm glad Mr Laptop is working again. Just telling the world (or nobody) about all my frustrations is therapeutic.

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On days like these, I can't help but toy with the idea of a career change. What can I do? Any suggestions?

It is alive!

Poor Mr Laptop died last week (yup, very creative name I know.. and yes, I've decided laptop has to be male).

For some reason, the touch pad and some of the keys refused to work, no matter how I rebooted the system. Tried everything. Phoned knowledgable Uncle H for advice. But it just wouldn't work. In my desperation, I impulsively picked up my reformatting cds and wiped Mr Laptop's contents out. Still, even though I'd lost everything I had installed (heart-wrenching), he was still malfunctioning.

Had no more time to waste on willing him to work. Had more pressing things to do, like preparing for my interview. So I just left him there and tried to ignore him.

But you know what? 2 days ago, after the whole interview saga, I decided I would just switch him on, just to convince myself that Mr Laptop was truly very ill and that I would have to take him to a doctor.
Guess what? Touch pad suddenly worked. So... miracles do happen! All's not lost.

His brain is still pretty empty at the moment, but I'll start filling him up soon...

So I'm pleased that Mr Laptop is well, and I'll try to take better care of him from now on.

And I ramble on...

Why are my blog entries always so melancholic???

Really, I am a happier person than my entries would appear to portray. I guess it's down to the fact that when I have time to blog, I also have time to think... And when I have time to think, I tend to over-analyse everything.

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Back to work on Monday, so there'll be less of the thinking and the blogging.

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Oh yes, booked an interview for next week. I phoned up the A&E secretaries to let them know. The conversation went:

Me: "I'm just phoning to let you know that I have an interview to attend next Thurs."
Her: "What shift are you doing then?"
Me: "8am-6pm"
Her: "What time is the interview?"
Me: "1.30pm."
Her: "Do you need to travel?"
Me: "No, it's in Glasgow. Some hotel. Not exactly sure where."
Her: "Oh ok, so you won't be away the whole day then."
Me: "Erm, yah, I'll just have to leave about lunchtime."
Her: "I'm sure it'll be fine if you're away for an hour or so."
Me: "Ok, bye."

I sat there thinking... How on earth do you expect me to travel to an interview, wait for it, go through it and travel back to work in an hour?!?!
Argh... how tight can these people get???

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Addicted to Grey's anatomy. I'd watched all of season 2 last year. As an exam "incentive", I ordered season 1 on amazon the day after my part 2 exam.
Now that I've watched it all, I'm craving more! But season 3 isn't out on DVD yet and the clips on youtube are great, but just not quite enough. Anyone has season 3???

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Of warmth and chills

Sat in Kelvingrove Park this evening. The sun was shining, birds chirping, tulips in bloom...
I love sunny, yet slightly chilly days. The glorious sunshine lights up all of creation and you just feel so lifted. And as you take a deep breath, the chilly air creates a tingling sensation in your chest. I know it sounds strange, but the feeling of coldness makes you so much more aware of the warmth and the converse is just as true.

As I lay prone with my pen in hand, I made a diary entry. As always, I look back to the last time I'd written- it was exactly a month ago. Thoughts started to crowd my head. It certainly feels like more than a month has gone by. The last month was busy and hectic, both physically and emotionally. There have been moments of coldness and warmth, hope and disappointment, confusion and certainty.

Extremes. Extremes provide perspective.

I scribbled away. Then it started getting more chilly. The sun was going down, the warmth was disappearing and it was getting colder.
Some things in life are certain and predictable. The sun will always go down. It was time to pack up and take a slow stroll home.

I look up at the blue skies. Perhaps the sunshine will return in the morning. Perhaps.

The weather forecast says tomorrow will be cloudy and rainy. Why is it always cloudy and rainy in Glasgow and warm and sunny in London or Brighton or Wales or just about everywhere else?

Perhaps the sun might just peek through... Hope is a good thing, right?

Early morning thoughts and doubts

My sleep cycle is topsy-turvy at the moment. Have been sleeping at odd hours, waking at 3am... am neither in night shift nor day shift mode.

It's actually quite nice being awake in the early hours of the morning. The air is chilly and fresh, there's a still silence that feels so peaceful. Perfect environment to spend some quiet time with God. Somehow, despite the perfect setting, I'm so distracted. Am in that place once again, where I know He is near, yet He feels so far away. It makes me feel so guilty sometimes, that I can keep my focus on so many things for at least 15 minutes, but I can't even focus on the lover of my soul for half that time. I guess I just don't love Him enough. If I did, then it shouldn't be so hard...

The lyrics of the song below describe so very well how I very often feel- Like everyone around me is so strong and trying so hard and showing so much love... and there I am... the one that doesn't quite belong.
In a way, I know what I'm supposed to say, to do, to feel... but where does it stop being genuine? Am I just pretending? The song just exposes it all...
How do I love unconditionally, without judging, without expecting?

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Stained Glass Masquerade
by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Does Anybody Hear Her

Such a meaningful song...
And along with the prison break video, it just evokes so much thought and emotion...

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Post from work

It's 0655h. Am at work. Just thought I'd have to enter a blog entry from work cos I may never ever have the opportunity to do this again!!!

Tonight was really really strange. Even more so for a Monday night. I've seen a grand total of 5 patients in the past 9 hours, which is totally unheard of. The dept has been virtually empty all night!

Just for the record...

What is your destiny?

What is your destiny?

A very good question.

A flurry of thoughts have been crowding my head since this question was posed today.
A mixture of rational thoughts (or at least what I deem to be so), emotionally-instigated thoughts and thoughts that I just can't classify have been playing pinball in my mind.

It's exasperating. I'm certain I think in the English language, but I can't seem to translate my thoughts into writing. It baffles me.

Guess the thoughts will just have to be confined for now.

Who am I

The lyrics are just so beautiful........

Who am I (by Casting Crowns)

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again

Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

More distractions

Ever had one of those days?

When you know you have so much to do, but just can't seem to muster the determination to do it?

When you allow yourself to succumb to just about any distraction just so you can avoid doing what you have to do?

Just another one of those days.

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It's been quite a week.

Feels like I've gone into emotional overdrive.

In a short space of time, I've felt fear, disappointment, love, hope...

It's tiring.

Yet, it makes me feel so human... so "real"

I wish I had the words to describe my sentiments.

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Back to work on Monday.

Honestly, not looking forward to it.

I quote one of the SMS messages I got from a friend doing the same job in a different hospital-
"I'd rather break both my legs than go to work."

Haha, perhaps I wouldn't go to that extreme. Especially if she was referring to breaking both her femoral shafts. The risk of fat emboli would be too high.
I've analysed it. If my left distal radius were broken, I wouldn't be able to write... so I wouldn't be much use at work. If the fracture were in my right radius, then I wouldn't be able to examine people, to do any suturing, to site IV cannulae...

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Back to reality.

Back to whipping myself into doing more revision for the exam.

Either that or I could spruce up on my anatomy...

Think I'd choose the former, anytime.

Patient expectation

Patient expectation.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

"There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under heaven:

time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. "

Thoughts of work

The last 6 months of being off full-time employment taught me much. It made me realise how much of my identity and self-worth came from my job and how lost I was without it. It made me realise that perhaps my priorities were topsy-turvy, that there really is so much more to living than merely working my bum off.

The first few months of not working were really weird. I felt extremely unemployed. Then I got my head round the fact that I could spend time doing all the things that I'd meant to do but just didn't have the time too. Then I got quite used to having time to do things at a leisurely pace.

The week before starting this job, I was apprehensive. Apprehensive about not being competent enough, about the long hours and about whether I'd allow my job to take hold of my life again.

2 weeks into work, I can say that the hours are undoubtedly long, but at my age, one should be able to cope with that. My competencies will improve, so that's a work in progress. And as for my job being my life, I've come to realise it is down to attitude and perception. I want to be good at what I do, but experience has now taught me that it will not be at the expense of selling my whole being to my job. So whilst it takes up a lot of my time, it has not taken hold of my life.

More importantly, I know that God gave me this job. So each day, before I head to work I give thanks for what I've been given. I pray that He will be with me in everything that I do... yup, especially in the "Help! What do I do now" situations. Then I ask that I will work with all my heart as working for God and not for man. Equipped with the greatest tool, I head off.

A day in my life

My life's changed a lot lately.

I have gone from having a good deal of time to myself and to my friends, to having close to none.

For the past fortnight, the routine has been- wake up, eat, work, eat, shower, fall asleep after reading for 15 min., sleep, then back to work again.

I will now dissect each activity...

1. Work
Much as I moan, I don't hate my work. Really. Yes, I do experience a "sense of impending doom" as I head off to work, but once I'm there, it's usually ok. It's often quite exciting actually. I'm still at the "Help!!! What do I do now" stage, so my adrenal glands are on overdrive half the time. Which leads me on to the second activity...

2. Eat
In most jobs, you have a relatively uninterrupted lunch break where folk sit down, have lunch and engage in some banter. In A&E however, we have staggered lunch breaks. You are always conscious of the fact that the patients continue to pile up as you have your lunch and no matter how hard you try to relax, you spend half the time looking at your watch to see how long you've been away for and the other half trying to taste your sandwich.
At the rate I'm going, I should be skin and bones... But that's something that will never happen to me, so long as I pass the swallow assessment. When I get home, whether or not I'm hungry, I head to the kitchen and start chomping away on just about everything I see. Junk food doesn't involve cooking, so I start with that, whilst waiting for my food to cook...
And once I'm stuffed to the brim, I head along for a shower, attempt to do some studying and before I know it, I'm into activity

3. Sleep
I really can't help falling asleep. The tired brain, bones, muscles all need rest. Having said that, I've dreamt about work nearly every night for the past week! Think nightmare is a better description than dream actually.
The immense relief I get when I wake up and realise that it isn't true is tremendous!

In order to maximise activity 3., I often have to proceed to activity 2. whilst on the train or bus to activity 1.

And the cycle repeat's itself again...

Now for the good news...

- Tomorrow is the start of my first weekend off since I started this job!!!
- I've got the rest of the week of (annual leave). Annual leave is allocated in this job, but it's time off, so I'm not complaining!
- It was pay day yesterday. First proper pay check in a while :) I'm working for a decent wage at least!

Which also explains why I can finally post another blog entry.

Happy CNY

Hey folks... Happy CNY...

Btw, were any of you shouting my name from outside my flat earlier this evening? Cos if you were, it's not that I was ignoring you. Really. Was at work... my flatmate just told me that there were pple outside her window shouting...

Anyways, just to get some sympathy, I spent my "chu2 xi1" dealing with drunken head injuries... and my "tuan2 yuan2 fan4" was leftover pasta for 2 days ago... but I'm not complaining... just moaning, like I always do. And yes, it's my fault... I did choose to do this job :(

I do take consolation (ok, very small consolation) in the fact that I've got a horrid cold, so I wouldn't really be able to enjoy all the yummy new year goodies anyway.

Happy CNY one and all...

First stabbing

Encountered my first stabbing today.

For folk who aren't aware, Glasgow is kinda well known for knife crime.
The east end of Glasgow in particular is the knife capital!
And yes, I'm working in the A&E dept in the east end of Glasgow...

One of the consultants mentioned that "stabbings often come in runs..."

Guess he's right.

There were 2 that came in together at about mid-day... then there was the guy who sustained a skull fracture after being assaulted with a bottle... then just as my shift was about to end, there was another with multiple stab wounds.

So yah, all very exciting.

Wonder what tomorrow holds.

A&E so far...

I'm 3 days into my new job in A&E. Spent most of the first 2 days at "induction", where they run you through presentation after presentation of "what you should know", "red flags", "what to do with a sick child" etc.

Honestly, it the presentations really don't help with my confidence levels. Before I go to work each day, I'm filled with anticipation, dread, excitement... which just means that my stomach churns and my adrenaline levels escalate. We all have comfort zones. So I'm pretty comfortable seeing patients with a medical problem, ie., chest pains, COPD, pneumonia, haematemesis etc... yup, even the classic presentation of 82-year-old Mrs Bloggs who's simply "off her legs" brings me comfort. What I haven't a clue about... is everything else, especially orthopaedics (so the thought of broken bones, torn ligaments etc all freak me out), O&G (if you're preganant, I won't dare give you anything apart from paracetamol and intravenous fluids) and paeds. Paeds is the ultimate challenge. I mean, their whole anatomy and physiology is totally different. In the words of the registrar who gave us the paeds lecture, "Never treat a child like a little adult. They're different antomically and physiologically." So there goes... that's if I can get past the whole history and examination bit in the first place. How can I examine a kid without making him wail? Ok, some kids won't wail even if you stabbed them with a needle to get bloods of them, but that totally spells danger... when a kid is too sick to wail, they're very very very sick...

Ok... I do realise that this blog entry makes a really boring read. Please forgive my need to rant on... It keeps me sane.

Oh yah, here's what I saw this evening:
- lady coughing up copious amounts of blood
- guy with blood in his vomit and stool
- driving instructor with paronychia (swollen, tender pus-filled finger/nail bed)
( if you bite your nails, this is what you get)
I incised and drained the paronychia... not without problems though...
- preganant woman with abdominal pain
And my last patient of the evening was a classic. swollen, red and very tender left testicle.
Needless to say, he went to the surgeons.

Think I'll have to stop here and go do some of this reading... then get some sleep...

Blessed be Your Name

On my way back from lifegroup just now, I kept thinking... I really must delete my last post... it's soooo negative!!!

But when I got home, I decided against it. I should just qualify my last post.

Yes, I had a somewhat miserable day. Not for any discernable reason. Or at least none I could come up with.

And no, I am not depressed.
Nor am I dreading starting work in A&E tomorrow (honest!)

But... as I was walking to lifegroup this evening, blasting from my MP3 player was this song by Matt Redman-

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in,
LordStill I will say...

Chorus:
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Repeat chorusx2

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

I was just blown away.
I was reminded of God's faithfulness.
I was reminded that He will never leave me, He will never forsake me.
Through good times and bad
Happy days and sad

Indeed, His name shall be blessed no matter what situation I'm in, no matter what mood I'm in!

Isn't it so good that God is unchanging? He's the one constant that shines through everything that isn't.

So yes, by the time I got to life group, I was feeling better.

And by the time I left, I was smiling. This time, I wasn't just trying it out to see if it would make me feel more lifted.

So, thank you Lord for your faithfulness
Thank you for blessing me with a lovely life group
Thank you for loving me, even when I feel unworthy or inadequate or just plain moody.
Blessed be Your name!

Misery

Ever had one of those days where you just feel miserable?

Where you can't seem to focus on anything that you know you're meant to do?

Where you pace the room to think what it might be but just can't quite come up with a logical explanation?

Where you look at yourself in the mirror and smile, not because you want to, but just in case it might make you feel better?

Where even the prospect of endorphin-releasing chocolate doesn't trigger the usual "high"?


Do you believe PMS exists? I don't want to believe it, but maybe that's what it is.

Or maybe it's down to the lack of sleep and plain fatigue.

Cos these transient days of misery need an explanation.

Then again,

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Failure in a task vs seeing yourself as a failure

Just recounting a story from last night's bible study. I thought it quite profound.

There was a study being done to compare 2 groups of "pot makers".

The first group was termed the "quantity" group. Their job was to make 50 pots. The quality of the pots didn't matter. All they were tasked to do was to make 50.

The second group was the "quality" group. They were tasked to make just 1 pot, but to put all their effort into that one pot to make it as perfect as possible.

At the end of the day, when all the pots had been made, this question was asked-
Which group made the best pots?

Whenever a story like that is told, you always know to expect and unexpected answer. But that doesn't make the unexpected answer any less profound.

Well, in case you haven't guessed, the answer is the "quantity" group.

The "quality" group spent all their time trying to make the perfect pot. Despite this, they still made mistakes.
The "quantity" group on the other hand made such terrible pots at the start, but as they made more and more pots, they learnt from the mistakes that they made with each previous pot and in the end, they produced the best pots!

The bible study was about our approach to failure. So the take home message from this story is that it is alright to fail, to make mistakes. What's important is that we learn from them, pick ourselves up and not allow failure to overcome us.

My take on it is that whilst God allows us to fail in situations and tasks, we are to persevere and learn from the failures. ie. We may have failed, but we are not failures. (if you get what I mean...)

MTAS woes

Finally, I've clicked on the "submit" button!
For all of you junior doctors out there (in the UK), I'm sure you share my sense of relief, accomplishment and fear (that you might have missed something out).
So yes, I've applied for Core Medical Training ST2 in Scotland, London/KSS, Northwestern and Northern deaneries.
It's taken a lot longer than I had anticipated. I think I've spent at least 15 hours on this application. Having said that, I think it wouldn't have made much difference if I'd spent a quarter of that time on it. I would just have procrastinated less.

Ok, I know it's only the beginning. There's still the shortlisting, then the interviews, then round 2 if I don't get anything in round 1...

But for now, the form is done! (big smile)

Enoch

"When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. And after he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Enoch lived 365 years. Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away."
- Gen 5:21-24

I was reading Gen 5 and wondered why I didn't wonder before about Enoch. Why was his life on earth so much shorter than all the other men mentioned in the bible who lived in that day? Why did God take him away? Because he walked with God? Because...? Genesis 5 speaks of Adam and his descendents. With each man, it describes how many years he lived for, at what age he fathered a particular son and it finishes with "and then he died. With Enoch, there is no "and then he died. He was walking in God's ways here on earth, then suddenly, the bible says that "he was no more". So just like that. No more. God took him away.

I tired to find out more about Enoch, but there's nothing conclusive. Lots of postulations and suggestions about his life and his being taken away.

Then, as I thought about it all, I was reminded once again of what was said at lifegroup last night. We are aliens and strangers in this world. Merely passing through. There is an eternity to look forward to. Having said that, what we do on this earth does matter. It matters much. We've been put here for a purpose. A God-given purpose.

On that note, I shall stop pondering about Enoch and get on with life on earth.

Procratination

Procrastination.

It's a big word.

Worse still, it is a big feature in my life.

It's hopeless. I'm blogging about procrastination cos I'm procrastinating.

Right, someone jab me in the ribs, pinch me or something.

I really need to get to work.

Is it better?

It is better to have tried and failed
than to not have tried at all.

It is better to have loved and gotten hurt
than to not have loved at all.

It is better to have ventured and gotten lost
than to not have ventured at all.

It is better to live
than to merely exist.

Now, here comes the difficult part
Overcoming the fear
- of getting hurt, of failing, of losing my way
To do what is better.

My love-hate relationship with milo

Just finished my second cup of milo today.

I have a love-hate relationship with milo.

Yup, I am referring to that chocolate malt drink in green packaging.

As a child, whilst my friends had "milo peng" in the school canteen, I had just about everything else. I refused to like milo. Whatsmore, I'd claim that ovaltine is better than milo. This is a statement that I'm sure most would disagree with. I do admit now that my claim is somewhat unsubstantiated.

You see, my dad worked and still works for the well-known company that owns milo. Being the very loyal and company-proud employee that he is, he would be full of praise of just about everything that the company manufactures. This was evident even when we were in the supermarket, where he would even "inspect" the shelves to ensure that their products were neatly arranged, much to the annoyance of mum. She would "remind" him that he works for the finance department, not marketing. Every month, we dad would return from work with our monthly order of maggi mee, nescafe, coffee mate and other essential company wares.

So in true yh stubborness, I decided that ovaltine was better than milo, myojo better than maggi, you get the point...

Perhaps that was teenage rebellion, yh style.

Things changed when I left S'pore for the UK. Suddenly, everything that once brought me comfort and security was taken away. I wasn't forced to go to boarding school. My parents offered me the opportunity, which naive 16-year-old me happily accepted (thinking it'll be lots of fun). All of a sudden, reality hit. It's almost as if I had to grow up overnight. I'd lost the comfort of my family, friends, home, routine (or lack of) and here I was, in this cold, dark country, stuck within the confines of a boarding school where I was forced to conform to their routines, where I was "gated" if I was so much as 5 minutes late for housecall, where I had to eat at certain times, shower at certain times and was only allowed out of the school grounds on certain days for a few hours.

Suddenly, all things familiar become much treasured- my family, my friends, even the material things that cannot be obtained in this foreign land. Yup, even the milo that I resented.

With time, I made friends. Many of them were M'sian (I was the only S'porean). I remember one of them telling me that she grew up in a family where every morning, she, along with her 4 siblings would stand in line whilst grandma shoved a large tablespoonful of "Scott's cod liver oil" into their mouths and a cup of milo in their hands. I discovered that milo meant something special to her too.

Milo does evoke warmth in my heart. But I never bought it. A part of me did always feel that to buy milo to bring back to the UK would be no different to admitting defeat. After all, I was always the one who insisted that milo is not nice.

Perhaps I've outgrown that childish behaviour. Just perhaps. After 9 years in this country, I carried my first packet of milo back from S'pore. I've only been back a week and I've finished more than half the packet! Guess I'm making up for all those lost milo years.

I bought that packet of milo when I was in the supermarket with dad. I even half teasingly asked him, "There's S'pore milo and M'sia milo, dad. Which one is better???"
Dad: "Of course S'pore milo!"
Me: "Why?"
Dad: "S'pore one not so sweet."
I couldn't help but smile at my dear daddy's predictable response and happily picked up my "made in S'pore" packet of milo, even though it costs 30 cents more than M'sia milo.

Hah milo... it's marvelous what milo can do for you!
Get a tin, make it a big tin today! (ok, in my case it was a packet)

First post of 2007

I've only just realised that I've not posted anything on my blog this year!

Wishing everyone a blessed 2007!

Update: I'm back in Glasgow. Heard that lots of pple were ill with the snuffles and hacks over the festive period. Little did I expect that on the very day that I arrived I fell ill too. Better now:)

Went to church today... first time since being back. It was so nice to see everyone again!

Pastor Mike reminded us that we need to spend time with God and come up with a "plan" for 2007. I realised then that I've not thought much about 2007. I seem to have ignored the fact that it's a new year. Actually, I haven't done much thinking in the last month. Do I give up thinking and pondering when I'm on Singapore soil? And now that I'm back in Glasgow, does thinking resume?

2007. A part of me doesn't really want to think about it. I hope it's not cos I'm resigned to the fact that whatever will happen will happen. It's just that the older I am, the more uncertainties I seem to face. What I do know is that I'll start work at GRI in Feb until July. After July, that's a big question mark. Will I get into a decent ST programme? Should I go back to S'pore? Ok, so working conditions are crap, but dad and mum aren't getting any younger... What if I really don't like it? God has a plan for my life. I think we're back to patient waiting again.

2007 here I come...