Early morning thoughts and doubts

My sleep cycle is topsy-turvy at the moment. Have been sleeping at odd hours, waking at 3am... am neither in night shift nor day shift mode.

It's actually quite nice being awake in the early hours of the morning. The air is chilly and fresh, there's a still silence that feels so peaceful. Perfect environment to spend some quiet time with God. Somehow, despite the perfect setting, I'm so distracted. Am in that place once again, where I know He is near, yet He feels so far away. It makes me feel so guilty sometimes, that I can keep my focus on so many things for at least 15 minutes, but I can't even focus on the lover of my soul for half that time. I guess I just don't love Him enough. If I did, then it shouldn't be so hard...

The lyrics of the song below describe so very well how I very often feel- Like everyone around me is so strong and trying so hard and showing so much love... and there I am... the one that doesn't quite belong.
In a way, I know what I'm supposed to say, to do, to feel... but where does it stop being genuine? Am I just pretending? The song just exposes it all...
How do I love unconditionally, without judging, without expecting?

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Stained Glass Masquerade
by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay