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Post from work

It's 0655h. Am at work. Just thought I'd have to enter a blog entry from work cos I may never ever have the opportunity to do this again!!!

Tonight was really really strange. Even more so for a Monday night. I've seen a grand total of 5 patients in the past 9 hours, which is totally unheard of. The dept has been virtually empty all night!

Just for the record...

What is your destiny?

What is your destiny?

A very good question.

A flurry of thoughts have been crowding my head since this question was posed today.
A mixture of rational thoughts (or at least what I deem to be so), emotionally-instigated thoughts and thoughts that I just can't classify have been playing pinball in my mind.

It's exasperating. I'm certain I think in the English language, but I can't seem to translate my thoughts into writing. It baffles me.

Guess the thoughts will just have to be confined for now.

Who am I

The lyrics are just so beautiful........

Who am I (by Casting Crowns)

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again

Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

More distractions

Ever had one of those days?

When you know you have so much to do, but just can't seem to muster the determination to do it?

When you allow yourself to succumb to just about any distraction just so you can avoid doing what you have to do?

Just another one of those days.

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It's been quite a week.

Feels like I've gone into emotional overdrive.

In a short space of time, I've felt fear, disappointment, love, hope...

It's tiring.

Yet, it makes me feel so human... so "real"

I wish I had the words to describe my sentiments.

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Back to work on Monday.

Honestly, not looking forward to it.

I quote one of the SMS messages I got from a friend doing the same job in a different hospital-
"I'd rather break both my legs than go to work."

Haha, perhaps I wouldn't go to that extreme. Especially if she was referring to breaking both her femoral shafts. The risk of fat emboli would be too high.
I've analysed it. If my left distal radius were broken, I wouldn't be able to write... so I wouldn't be much use at work. If the fracture were in my right radius, then I wouldn't be able to examine people, to do any suturing, to site IV cannulae...

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Back to reality.

Back to whipping myself into doing more revision for the exam.

Either that or I could spruce up on my anatomy...

Think I'd choose the former, anytime.

Patient expectation

Patient expectation.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

"There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under heaven:

time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. "

Thoughts of work

The last 6 months of being off full-time employment taught me much. It made me realise how much of my identity and self-worth came from my job and how lost I was without it. It made me realise that perhaps my priorities were topsy-turvy, that there really is so much more to living than merely working my bum off.

The first few months of not working were really weird. I felt extremely unemployed. Then I got my head round the fact that I could spend time doing all the things that I'd meant to do but just didn't have the time too. Then I got quite used to having time to do things at a leisurely pace.

The week before starting this job, I was apprehensive. Apprehensive about not being competent enough, about the long hours and about whether I'd allow my job to take hold of my life again.

2 weeks into work, I can say that the hours are undoubtedly long, but at my age, one should be able to cope with that. My competencies will improve, so that's a work in progress. And as for my job being my life, I've come to realise it is down to attitude and perception. I want to be good at what I do, but experience has now taught me that it will not be at the expense of selling my whole being to my job. So whilst it takes up a lot of my time, it has not taken hold of my life.

More importantly, I know that God gave me this job. So each day, before I head to work I give thanks for what I've been given. I pray that He will be with me in everything that I do... yup, especially in the "Help! What do I do now" situations. Then I ask that I will work with all my heart as working for God and not for man. Equipped with the greatest tool, I head off.

A day in my life

My life's changed a lot lately.

I have gone from having a good deal of time to myself and to my friends, to having close to none.

For the past fortnight, the routine has been- wake up, eat, work, eat, shower, fall asleep after reading for 15 min., sleep, then back to work again.

I will now dissect each activity...

1. Work
Much as I moan, I don't hate my work. Really. Yes, I do experience a "sense of impending doom" as I head off to work, but once I'm there, it's usually ok. It's often quite exciting actually. I'm still at the "Help!!! What do I do now" stage, so my adrenal glands are on overdrive half the time. Which leads me on to the second activity...

2. Eat
In most jobs, you have a relatively uninterrupted lunch break where folk sit down, have lunch and engage in some banter. In A&E however, we have staggered lunch breaks. You are always conscious of the fact that the patients continue to pile up as you have your lunch and no matter how hard you try to relax, you spend half the time looking at your watch to see how long you've been away for and the other half trying to taste your sandwich.
At the rate I'm going, I should be skin and bones... But that's something that will never happen to me, so long as I pass the swallow assessment. When I get home, whether or not I'm hungry, I head to the kitchen and start chomping away on just about everything I see. Junk food doesn't involve cooking, so I start with that, whilst waiting for my food to cook...
And once I'm stuffed to the brim, I head along for a shower, attempt to do some studying and before I know it, I'm into activity

3. Sleep
I really can't help falling asleep. The tired brain, bones, muscles all need rest. Having said that, I've dreamt about work nearly every night for the past week! Think nightmare is a better description than dream actually.
The immense relief I get when I wake up and realise that it isn't true is tremendous!

In order to maximise activity 3., I often have to proceed to activity 2. whilst on the train or bus to activity 1.

And the cycle repeat's itself again...

Now for the good news...

- Tomorrow is the start of my first weekend off since I started this job!!!
- I've got the rest of the week of (annual leave). Annual leave is allocated in this job, but it's time off, so I'm not complaining!
- It was pay day yesterday. First proper pay check in a while :) I'm working for a decent wage at least!

Which also explains why I can finally post another blog entry.

Happy CNY

Hey folks... Happy CNY...

Btw, were any of you shouting my name from outside my flat earlier this evening? Cos if you were, it's not that I was ignoring you. Really. Was at work... my flatmate just told me that there were pple outside her window shouting...

Anyways, just to get some sympathy, I spent my "chu2 xi1" dealing with drunken head injuries... and my "tuan2 yuan2 fan4" was leftover pasta for 2 days ago... but I'm not complaining... just moaning, like I always do. And yes, it's my fault... I did choose to do this job :(

I do take consolation (ok, very small consolation) in the fact that I've got a horrid cold, so I wouldn't really be able to enjoy all the yummy new year goodies anyway.

Happy CNY one and all...

First stabbing

Encountered my first stabbing today.

For folk who aren't aware, Glasgow is kinda well known for knife crime.
The east end of Glasgow in particular is the knife capital!
And yes, I'm working in the A&E dept in the east end of Glasgow...

One of the consultants mentioned that "stabbings often come in runs..."

Guess he's right.

There were 2 that came in together at about mid-day... then there was the guy who sustained a skull fracture after being assaulted with a bottle... then just as my shift was about to end, there was another with multiple stab wounds.

So yah, all very exciting.

Wonder what tomorrow holds.

A&E so far...

I'm 3 days into my new job in A&E. Spent most of the first 2 days at "induction", where they run you through presentation after presentation of "what you should know", "red flags", "what to do with a sick child" etc.

Honestly, it the presentations really don't help with my confidence levels. Before I go to work each day, I'm filled with anticipation, dread, excitement... which just means that my stomach churns and my adrenaline levels escalate. We all have comfort zones. So I'm pretty comfortable seeing patients with a medical problem, ie., chest pains, COPD, pneumonia, haematemesis etc... yup, even the classic presentation of 82-year-old Mrs Bloggs who's simply "off her legs" brings me comfort. What I haven't a clue about... is everything else, especially orthopaedics (so the thought of broken bones, torn ligaments etc all freak me out), O&G (if you're preganant, I won't dare give you anything apart from paracetamol and intravenous fluids) and paeds. Paeds is the ultimate challenge. I mean, their whole anatomy and physiology is totally different. In the words of the registrar who gave us the paeds lecture, "Never treat a child like a little adult. They're different antomically and physiologically." So there goes... that's if I can get past the whole history and examination bit in the first place. How can I examine a kid without making him wail? Ok, some kids won't wail even if you stabbed them with a needle to get bloods of them, but that totally spells danger... when a kid is too sick to wail, they're very very very sick...

Ok... I do realise that this blog entry makes a really boring read. Please forgive my need to rant on... It keeps me sane.

Oh yah, here's what I saw this evening:
- lady coughing up copious amounts of blood
- guy with blood in his vomit and stool
- driving instructor with paronychia (swollen, tender pus-filled finger/nail bed)
( if you bite your nails, this is what you get)
I incised and drained the paronychia... not without problems though...
- preganant woman with abdominal pain
And my last patient of the evening was a classic. swollen, red and very tender left testicle.
Needless to say, he went to the surgeons.

Think I'll have to stop here and go do some of this reading... then get some sleep...

Blessed be Your Name

On my way back from lifegroup just now, I kept thinking... I really must delete my last post... it's soooo negative!!!

But when I got home, I decided against it. I should just qualify my last post.

Yes, I had a somewhat miserable day. Not for any discernable reason. Or at least none I could come up with.

And no, I am not depressed.
Nor am I dreading starting work in A&E tomorrow (honest!)

But... as I was walking to lifegroup this evening, blasting from my MP3 player was this song by Matt Redman-

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in,
LordStill I will say...

Chorus:
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Repeat chorusx2

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

I was just blown away.
I was reminded of God's faithfulness.
I was reminded that He will never leave me, He will never forsake me.
Through good times and bad
Happy days and sad

Indeed, His name shall be blessed no matter what situation I'm in, no matter what mood I'm in!

Isn't it so good that God is unchanging? He's the one constant that shines through everything that isn't.

So yes, by the time I got to life group, I was feeling better.

And by the time I left, I was smiling. This time, I wasn't just trying it out to see if it would make me feel more lifted.

So, thank you Lord for your faithfulness
Thank you for blessing me with a lovely life group
Thank you for loving me, even when I feel unworthy or inadequate or just plain moody.
Blessed be Your name!

Misery

Ever had one of those days where you just feel miserable?

Where you can't seem to focus on anything that you know you're meant to do?

Where you pace the room to think what it might be but just can't quite come up with a logical explanation?

Where you look at yourself in the mirror and smile, not because you want to, but just in case it might make you feel better?

Where even the prospect of endorphin-releasing chocolate doesn't trigger the usual "high"?


Do you believe PMS exists? I don't want to believe it, but maybe that's what it is.

Or maybe it's down to the lack of sleep and plain fatigue.

Cos these transient days of misery need an explanation.

Then again,

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Failure in a task vs seeing yourself as a failure

Just recounting a story from last night's bible study. I thought it quite profound.

There was a study being done to compare 2 groups of "pot makers".

The first group was termed the "quantity" group. Their job was to make 50 pots. The quality of the pots didn't matter. All they were tasked to do was to make 50.

The second group was the "quality" group. They were tasked to make just 1 pot, but to put all their effort into that one pot to make it as perfect as possible.

At the end of the day, when all the pots had been made, this question was asked-
Which group made the best pots?

Whenever a story like that is told, you always know to expect and unexpected answer. But that doesn't make the unexpected answer any less profound.

Well, in case you haven't guessed, the answer is the "quantity" group.

The "quality" group spent all their time trying to make the perfect pot. Despite this, they still made mistakes.
The "quantity" group on the other hand made such terrible pots at the start, but as they made more and more pots, they learnt from the mistakes that they made with each previous pot and in the end, they produced the best pots!

The bible study was about our approach to failure. So the take home message from this story is that it is alright to fail, to make mistakes. What's important is that we learn from them, pick ourselves up and not allow failure to overcome us.

My take on it is that whilst God allows us to fail in situations and tasks, we are to persevere and learn from the failures. ie. We may have failed, but we are not failures. (if you get what I mean...)

MTAS woes

Finally, I've clicked on the "submit" button!
For all of you junior doctors out there (in the UK), I'm sure you share my sense of relief, accomplishment and fear (that you might have missed something out).
So yes, I've applied for Core Medical Training ST2 in Scotland, London/KSS, Northwestern and Northern deaneries.
It's taken a lot longer than I had anticipated. I think I've spent at least 15 hours on this application. Having said that, I think it wouldn't have made much difference if I'd spent a quarter of that time on it. I would just have procrastinated less.

Ok, I know it's only the beginning. There's still the shortlisting, then the interviews, then round 2 if I don't get anything in round 1...

But for now, the form is done! (big smile)

Enoch

"When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. And after he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Enoch lived 365 years. Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away."
- Gen 5:21-24

I was reading Gen 5 and wondered why I didn't wonder before about Enoch. Why was his life on earth so much shorter than all the other men mentioned in the bible who lived in that day? Why did God take him away? Because he walked with God? Because...? Genesis 5 speaks of Adam and his descendents. With each man, it describes how many years he lived for, at what age he fathered a particular son and it finishes with "and then he died. With Enoch, there is no "and then he died. He was walking in God's ways here on earth, then suddenly, the bible says that "he was no more". So just like that. No more. God took him away.

I tired to find out more about Enoch, but there's nothing conclusive. Lots of postulations and suggestions about his life and his being taken away.

Then, as I thought about it all, I was reminded once again of what was said at lifegroup last night. We are aliens and strangers in this world. Merely passing through. There is an eternity to look forward to. Having said that, what we do on this earth does matter. It matters much. We've been put here for a purpose. A God-given purpose.

On that note, I shall stop pondering about Enoch and get on with life on earth.

Procratination

Procrastination.

It's a big word.

Worse still, it is a big feature in my life.

It's hopeless. I'm blogging about procrastination cos I'm procrastinating.

Right, someone jab me in the ribs, pinch me or something.

I really need to get to work.

Is it better?

It is better to have tried and failed
than to not have tried at all.

It is better to have loved and gotten hurt
than to not have loved at all.

It is better to have ventured and gotten lost
than to not have ventured at all.

It is better to live
than to merely exist.

Now, here comes the difficult part
Overcoming the fear
- of getting hurt, of failing, of losing my way
To do what is better.

My love-hate relationship with milo

Just finished my second cup of milo today.

I have a love-hate relationship with milo.

Yup, I am referring to that chocolate malt drink in green packaging.

As a child, whilst my friends had "milo peng" in the school canteen, I had just about everything else. I refused to like milo. Whatsmore, I'd claim that ovaltine is better than milo. This is a statement that I'm sure most would disagree with. I do admit now that my claim is somewhat unsubstantiated.

You see, my dad worked and still works for the well-known company that owns milo. Being the very loyal and company-proud employee that he is, he would be full of praise of just about everything that the company manufactures. This was evident even when we were in the supermarket, where he would even "inspect" the shelves to ensure that their products were neatly arranged, much to the annoyance of mum. She would "remind" him that he works for the finance department, not marketing. Every month, we dad would return from work with our monthly order of maggi mee, nescafe, coffee mate and other essential company wares.

So in true yh stubborness, I decided that ovaltine was better than milo, myojo better than maggi, you get the point...

Perhaps that was teenage rebellion, yh style.

Things changed when I left S'pore for the UK. Suddenly, everything that once brought me comfort and security was taken away. I wasn't forced to go to boarding school. My parents offered me the opportunity, which naive 16-year-old me happily accepted (thinking it'll be lots of fun). All of a sudden, reality hit. It's almost as if I had to grow up overnight. I'd lost the comfort of my family, friends, home, routine (or lack of) and here I was, in this cold, dark country, stuck within the confines of a boarding school where I was forced to conform to their routines, where I was "gated" if I was so much as 5 minutes late for housecall, where I had to eat at certain times, shower at certain times and was only allowed out of the school grounds on certain days for a few hours.

Suddenly, all things familiar become much treasured- my family, my friends, even the material things that cannot be obtained in this foreign land. Yup, even the milo that I resented.

With time, I made friends. Many of them were M'sian (I was the only S'porean). I remember one of them telling me that she grew up in a family where every morning, she, along with her 4 siblings would stand in line whilst grandma shoved a large tablespoonful of "Scott's cod liver oil" into their mouths and a cup of milo in their hands. I discovered that milo meant something special to her too.

Milo does evoke warmth in my heart. But I never bought it. A part of me did always feel that to buy milo to bring back to the UK would be no different to admitting defeat. After all, I was always the one who insisted that milo is not nice.

Perhaps I've outgrown that childish behaviour. Just perhaps. After 9 years in this country, I carried my first packet of milo back from S'pore. I've only been back a week and I've finished more than half the packet! Guess I'm making up for all those lost milo years.

I bought that packet of milo when I was in the supermarket with dad. I even half teasingly asked him, "There's S'pore milo and M'sia milo, dad. Which one is better???"
Dad: "Of course S'pore milo!"
Me: "Why?"
Dad: "S'pore one not so sweet."
I couldn't help but smile at my dear daddy's predictable response and happily picked up my "made in S'pore" packet of milo, even though it costs 30 cents more than M'sia milo.

Hah milo... it's marvelous what milo can do for you!
Get a tin, make it a big tin today! (ok, in my case it was a packet)

First post of 2007

I've only just realised that I've not posted anything on my blog this year!

Wishing everyone a blessed 2007!

Update: I'm back in Glasgow. Heard that lots of pple were ill with the snuffles and hacks over the festive period. Little did I expect that on the very day that I arrived I fell ill too. Better now:)

Went to church today... first time since being back. It was so nice to see everyone again!

Pastor Mike reminded us that we need to spend time with God and come up with a "plan" for 2007. I realised then that I've not thought much about 2007. I seem to have ignored the fact that it's a new year. Actually, I haven't done much thinking in the last month. Do I give up thinking and pondering when I'm on Singapore soil? And now that I'm back in Glasgow, does thinking resume?

2007. A part of me doesn't really want to think about it. I hope it's not cos I'm resigned to the fact that whatever will happen will happen. It's just that the older I am, the more uncertainties I seem to face. What I do know is that I'll start work at GRI in Feb until July. After July, that's a big question mark. Will I get into a decent ST programme? Should I go back to S'pore? Ok, so working conditions are crap, but dad and mum aren't getting any younger... What if I really don't like it? God has a plan for my life. I think we're back to patient waiting again.

2007 here I come...