Patient expectation

Patient expectation.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

"There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under heaven:

time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. "

Thoughts of work

The last 6 months of being off full-time employment taught me much. It made me realise how much of my identity and self-worth came from my job and how lost I was without it. It made me realise that perhaps my priorities were topsy-turvy, that there really is so much more to living than merely working my bum off.

The first few months of not working were really weird. I felt extremely unemployed. Then I got my head round the fact that I could spend time doing all the things that I'd meant to do but just didn't have the time too. Then I got quite used to having time to do things at a leisurely pace.

The week before starting this job, I was apprehensive. Apprehensive about not being competent enough, about the long hours and about whether I'd allow my job to take hold of my life again.

2 weeks into work, I can say that the hours are undoubtedly long, but at my age, one should be able to cope with that. My competencies will improve, so that's a work in progress. And as for my job being my life, I've come to realise it is down to attitude and perception. I want to be good at what I do, but experience has now taught me that it will not be at the expense of selling my whole being to my job. So whilst it takes up a lot of my time, it has not taken hold of my life.

More importantly, I know that God gave me this job. So each day, before I head to work I give thanks for what I've been given. I pray that He will be with me in everything that I do... yup, especially in the "Help! What do I do now" situations. Then I ask that I will work with all my heart as working for God and not for man. Equipped with the greatest tool, I head off.

A day in my life

My life's changed a lot lately.

I have gone from having a good deal of time to myself and to my friends, to having close to none.

For the past fortnight, the routine has been- wake up, eat, work, eat, shower, fall asleep after reading for 15 min., sleep, then back to work again.

I will now dissect each activity...

1. Work
Much as I moan, I don't hate my work. Really. Yes, I do experience a "sense of impending doom" as I head off to work, but once I'm there, it's usually ok. It's often quite exciting actually. I'm still at the "Help!!! What do I do now" stage, so my adrenal glands are on overdrive half the time. Which leads me on to the second activity...

2. Eat
In most jobs, you have a relatively uninterrupted lunch break where folk sit down, have lunch and engage in some banter. In A&E however, we have staggered lunch breaks. You are always conscious of the fact that the patients continue to pile up as you have your lunch and no matter how hard you try to relax, you spend half the time looking at your watch to see how long you've been away for and the other half trying to taste your sandwich.
At the rate I'm going, I should be skin and bones... But that's something that will never happen to me, so long as I pass the swallow assessment. When I get home, whether or not I'm hungry, I head to the kitchen and start chomping away on just about everything I see. Junk food doesn't involve cooking, so I start with that, whilst waiting for my food to cook...
And once I'm stuffed to the brim, I head along for a shower, attempt to do some studying and before I know it, I'm into activity

3. Sleep
I really can't help falling asleep. The tired brain, bones, muscles all need rest. Having said that, I've dreamt about work nearly every night for the past week! Think nightmare is a better description than dream actually.
The immense relief I get when I wake up and realise that it isn't true is tremendous!

In order to maximise activity 3., I often have to proceed to activity 2. whilst on the train or bus to activity 1.

And the cycle repeat's itself again...

Now for the good news...

- Tomorrow is the start of my first weekend off since I started this job!!!
- I've got the rest of the week of (annual leave). Annual leave is allocated in this job, but it's time off, so I'm not complaining!
- It was pay day yesterday. First proper pay check in a while :) I'm working for a decent wage at least!

Which also explains why I can finally post another blog entry.

Happy CNY

Hey folks... Happy CNY...

Btw, were any of you shouting my name from outside my flat earlier this evening? Cos if you were, it's not that I was ignoring you. Really. Was at work... my flatmate just told me that there were pple outside her window shouting...

Anyways, just to get some sympathy, I spent my "chu2 xi1" dealing with drunken head injuries... and my "tuan2 yuan2 fan4" was leftover pasta for 2 days ago... but I'm not complaining... just moaning, like I always do. And yes, it's my fault... I did choose to do this job :(

I do take consolation (ok, very small consolation) in the fact that I've got a horrid cold, so I wouldn't really be able to enjoy all the yummy new year goodies anyway.

Happy CNY one and all...

First stabbing

Encountered my first stabbing today.

For folk who aren't aware, Glasgow is kinda well known for knife crime.
The east end of Glasgow in particular is the knife capital!
And yes, I'm working in the A&E dept in the east end of Glasgow...

One of the consultants mentioned that "stabbings often come in runs..."

Guess he's right.

There were 2 that came in together at about mid-day... then there was the guy who sustained a skull fracture after being assaulted with a bottle... then just as my shift was about to end, there was another with multiple stab wounds.

So yah, all very exciting.

Wonder what tomorrow holds.

A&E so far...

I'm 3 days into my new job in A&E. Spent most of the first 2 days at "induction", where they run you through presentation after presentation of "what you should know", "red flags", "what to do with a sick child" etc.

Honestly, it the presentations really don't help with my confidence levels. Before I go to work each day, I'm filled with anticipation, dread, excitement... which just means that my stomach churns and my adrenaline levels escalate. We all have comfort zones. So I'm pretty comfortable seeing patients with a medical problem, ie., chest pains, COPD, pneumonia, haematemesis etc... yup, even the classic presentation of 82-year-old Mrs Bloggs who's simply "off her legs" brings me comfort. What I haven't a clue about... is everything else, especially orthopaedics (so the thought of broken bones, torn ligaments etc all freak me out), O&G (if you're preganant, I won't dare give you anything apart from paracetamol and intravenous fluids) and paeds. Paeds is the ultimate challenge. I mean, their whole anatomy and physiology is totally different. In the words of the registrar who gave us the paeds lecture, "Never treat a child like a little adult. They're different antomically and physiologically." So there goes... that's if I can get past the whole history and examination bit in the first place. How can I examine a kid without making him wail? Ok, some kids won't wail even if you stabbed them with a needle to get bloods of them, but that totally spells danger... when a kid is too sick to wail, they're very very very sick...

Ok... I do realise that this blog entry makes a really boring read. Please forgive my need to rant on... It keeps me sane.

Oh yah, here's what I saw this evening:
- lady coughing up copious amounts of blood
- guy with blood in his vomit and stool
- driving instructor with paronychia (swollen, tender pus-filled finger/nail bed)
( if you bite your nails, this is what you get)
I incised and drained the paronychia... not without problems though...
- preganant woman with abdominal pain
And my last patient of the evening was a classic. swollen, red and very tender left testicle.
Needless to say, he went to the surgeons.

Think I'll have to stop here and go do some of this reading... then get some sleep...

Blessed be Your Name

On my way back from lifegroup just now, I kept thinking... I really must delete my last post... it's soooo negative!!!

But when I got home, I decided against it. I should just qualify my last post.

Yes, I had a somewhat miserable day. Not for any discernable reason. Or at least none I could come up with.

And no, I am not depressed.
Nor am I dreading starting work in A&E tomorrow (honest!)

But... as I was walking to lifegroup this evening, blasting from my MP3 player was this song by Matt Redman-

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in,
LordStill I will say...

Chorus:
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Repeat chorusx2

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

I was just blown away.
I was reminded of God's faithfulness.
I was reminded that He will never leave me, He will never forsake me.
Through good times and bad
Happy days and sad

Indeed, His name shall be blessed no matter what situation I'm in, no matter what mood I'm in!

Isn't it so good that God is unchanging? He's the one constant that shines through everything that isn't.

So yes, by the time I got to life group, I was feeling better.

And by the time I left, I was smiling. This time, I wasn't just trying it out to see if it would make me feel more lifted.

So, thank you Lord for your faithfulness
Thank you for blessing me with a lovely life group
Thank you for loving me, even when I feel unworthy or inadequate or just plain moody.
Blessed be Your name!

Misery

Ever had one of those days where you just feel miserable?

Where you can't seem to focus on anything that you know you're meant to do?

Where you pace the room to think what it might be but just can't quite come up with a logical explanation?

Where you look at yourself in the mirror and smile, not because you want to, but just in case it might make you feel better?

Where even the prospect of endorphin-releasing chocolate doesn't trigger the usual "high"?


Do you believe PMS exists? I don't want to believe it, but maybe that's what it is.

Or maybe it's down to the lack of sleep and plain fatigue.

Cos these transient days of misery need an explanation.

Then again,

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Failure in a task vs seeing yourself as a failure

Just recounting a story from last night's bible study. I thought it quite profound.

There was a study being done to compare 2 groups of "pot makers".

The first group was termed the "quantity" group. Their job was to make 50 pots. The quality of the pots didn't matter. All they were tasked to do was to make 50.

The second group was the "quality" group. They were tasked to make just 1 pot, but to put all their effort into that one pot to make it as perfect as possible.

At the end of the day, when all the pots had been made, this question was asked-
Which group made the best pots?

Whenever a story like that is told, you always know to expect and unexpected answer. But that doesn't make the unexpected answer any less profound.

Well, in case you haven't guessed, the answer is the "quantity" group.

The "quality" group spent all their time trying to make the perfect pot. Despite this, they still made mistakes.
The "quantity" group on the other hand made such terrible pots at the start, but as they made more and more pots, they learnt from the mistakes that they made with each previous pot and in the end, they produced the best pots!

The bible study was about our approach to failure. So the take home message from this story is that it is alright to fail, to make mistakes. What's important is that we learn from them, pick ourselves up and not allow failure to overcome us.

My take on it is that whilst God allows us to fail in situations and tasks, we are to persevere and learn from the failures. ie. We may have failed, but we are not failures. (if you get what I mean...)

MTAS woes

Finally, I've clicked on the "submit" button!
For all of you junior doctors out there (in the UK), I'm sure you share my sense of relief, accomplishment and fear (that you might have missed something out).
So yes, I've applied for Core Medical Training ST2 in Scotland, London/KSS, Northwestern and Northern deaneries.
It's taken a lot longer than I had anticipated. I think I've spent at least 15 hours on this application. Having said that, I think it wouldn't have made much difference if I'd spent a quarter of that time on it. I would just have procrastinated less.

Ok, I know it's only the beginning. There's still the shortlisting, then the interviews, then round 2 if I don't get anything in round 1...

But for now, the form is done! (big smile)