Early morning thoughts and doubts

My sleep cycle is topsy-turvy at the moment. Have been sleeping at odd hours, waking at 3am... am neither in night shift nor day shift mode.

It's actually quite nice being awake in the early hours of the morning. The air is chilly and fresh, there's a still silence that feels so peaceful. Perfect environment to spend some quiet time with God. Somehow, despite the perfect setting, I'm so distracted. Am in that place once again, where I know He is near, yet He feels so far away. It makes me feel so guilty sometimes, that I can keep my focus on so many things for at least 15 minutes, but I can't even focus on the lover of my soul for half that time. I guess I just don't love Him enough. If I did, then it shouldn't be so hard...

The lyrics of the song below describe so very well how I very often feel- Like everyone around me is so strong and trying so hard and showing so much love... and there I am... the one that doesn't quite belong.
In a way, I know what I'm supposed to say, to do, to feel... but where does it stop being genuine? Am I just pretending? The song just exposes it all...
How do I love unconditionally, without judging, without expecting?

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Stained Glass Masquerade
by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Does Anybody Hear Her

Such a meaningful song...
And along with the prison break video, it just evokes so much thought and emotion...

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Post from work

It's 0655h. Am at work. Just thought I'd have to enter a blog entry from work cos I may never ever have the opportunity to do this again!!!

Tonight was really really strange. Even more so for a Monday night. I've seen a grand total of 5 patients in the past 9 hours, which is totally unheard of. The dept has been virtually empty all night!

Just for the record...

What is your destiny?

What is your destiny?

A very good question.

A flurry of thoughts have been crowding my head since this question was posed today.
A mixture of rational thoughts (or at least what I deem to be so), emotionally-instigated thoughts and thoughts that I just can't classify have been playing pinball in my mind.

It's exasperating. I'm certain I think in the English language, but I can't seem to translate my thoughts into writing. It baffles me.

Guess the thoughts will just have to be confined for now.

Who am I

The lyrics are just so beautiful........

Who am I (by Casting Crowns)

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again

Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

More distractions

Ever had one of those days?

When you know you have so much to do, but just can't seem to muster the determination to do it?

When you allow yourself to succumb to just about any distraction just so you can avoid doing what you have to do?

Just another one of those days.

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It's been quite a week.

Feels like I've gone into emotional overdrive.

In a short space of time, I've felt fear, disappointment, love, hope...

It's tiring.

Yet, it makes me feel so human... so "real"

I wish I had the words to describe my sentiments.

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Back to work on Monday.

Honestly, not looking forward to it.

I quote one of the SMS messages I got from a friend doing the same job in a different hospital-
"I'd rather break both my legs than go to work."

Haha, perhaps I wouldn't go to that extreme. Especially if she was referring to breaking both her femoral shafts. The risk of fat emboli would be too high.
I've analysed it. If my left distal radius were broken, I wouldn't be able to write... so I wouldn't be much use at work. If the fracture were in my right radius, then I wouldn't be able to examine people, to do any suturing, to site IV cannulae...

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Back to reality.

Back to whipping myself into doing more revision for the exam.

Either that or I could spruce up on my anatomy...

Think I'd choose the former, anytime.