Life is like... dim sum and lambchops

Dying young

2008-10-03T13:41:00.002+01:00

Just come off night shift. It's been a variable 4 nights. A couple have been quiet (ok, I am allowed to use the 'Q' word since I'm not at work), but last night was eventful.

About last night. My registrar phoned me about 10pm to tell me he had to go across to the other hospital and asked if I would go down to the cath lab to hold on to the registrar bleep and to just be there in case the other registrar (who was scrubbed up and assisting with the angio) needed to leave for any reason. And so I trotted down. Patient on the table was a 36-year-old lady who had recently been treated with coronary artery stents for ischaemic heart disease and had come back in as an emergency with chest pain. When I joined them, they had already seen the "blockages" in the stented vessel on angiography and were doing the usual "clot busting". Well, we were there a while. Patient started to experience chest pain on the table and was repeatedly sick and was moaning about the vomit on her face and insisted that I wipe it off without brushing her eyes with the paper towel. It was a difficult procedure that went more and more pear shaped. She then arrested on the table and soon, the anaesthetists were in, she was being resuscitated and she was intubated. I had to leave about 40 minutes into the chest compressions, but learnt that she was pronounced dead not long after.

All very matter-of-fact. Until you get a chance to sit down after all the adrenaline-pumping action of the night. It hits you that a few hours ago, this lady was with her children, she was chatting and living a life like you and I. Even an hour before she died, she was upset that her face was covered in vomit. Little did she know that it would be her last hour alive and she didn't even get to say goodbye to people who mattered to her.

Death is a part of the job. But when it knocks on the door of someone so young, someone who really isn't much older than you are, someone whom you expected to have quite a few years ahead, it does shake you somewhat. It stops you in your tracks and makes you think if you're living your life or just merely existing. What about the people who matter? Do they know how much they mean to you? Are there regrets? Unfulfilled dreams? On second thought, the grief really lies with the people who are left behind. The parents who'd never ever imagined their child would pre-decease them. The children who are now without a mother. The partner who's without his soulmate.

No, no, I did not cry. I didn't know the lady. She was a patient. Another patient. Have I turned into a cold, unfeeling monster? Or am I just numbed to it all? I don't have all the answers, but I'm grateful that at least I had the chance to pause for thought.

Off on many tangents

2008-09-10T12:12:00.002+01:00

The power of words. The beauty of writing. It always amazes me how therapeutic expressing oneself in a prose is.

My mind is scattered. I can't focus on typing about any one thing. Thoughts just keep popping up and lifting me off in a tangent with them. So here's a collection of my random pop-ups...

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The life of the wondering nomad continues. I said to mum the other day, " I'll stop moving by the time I'm 30." Perhaps. I do moan about the stresses of not really being rooted anywhere, but at the same time, it's almost addictive. Is it the buzz of uncertainty that is addictive?

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Then there's the flood of "what ifs". I maintain that in life, the worst feeling is that of regret. In order to prevent going down that road, I tend to over-analyse everything. Perhaps I can blame it on being a libran- needing to weigh up every factor and eventuality before making a decision. Maybe it's nurture- the pragmatic, objective way of approaching and dealing with everything, even if it's at the expense of numbing any emotions that seep through my defences. Perhaps it's just down to simple fear- the fear of being wrong.

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My heritage. My Singaporeaness or lack of. A couple of Singaporean friends that I've made since moving to London said to me that I'm really more "angmohfied" than I am Singaporean. Is it my outlook? My mannerisms? Language? Attitude? What constitutes being Singaporean? Am I going to end up being a confused character who doesn't really "fit in" in Singaporean society? How will I cope when I return to the country of my birth? Will I feel like a foreigner on my own soil?

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On God. God and I have spent a patchy summer together. I know He is there, I know what He says is good, I know where the lines have to be drawn. Yet, the rebellious side of me has again re-surfaced. I do the things I know I'm not meant to do, then feel guilty about it all, then think that if I avoid communicating with God, I won't have to think about it. Then I go to church, feel remourseful and resolve to try harder next time. Then the cycle repeats itself, but this time, I've learnt to cope with the guilt better and justify my actions. It's a slippery slope down. But how can you turn away from the hand that has guided your every step? Is anything or anyone even worth turning your back from God for? I've decided that if I can't face it head on, I'll just have to make do with running from it for now. Yes, the ostrich style I know, but instead of just burying my head in the sand, I'll have to do some sprinting as well.

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Add this to my previous Milo post

2008-03-05T10:26:00.002Z

Further to my post last year about my relationship with Milo, I have a little more to say.
I encountered Milo at the Sainsbury's supermarket nearby. This brought some delight. The bargain-hunter Singaporean in me was even more pleased by the fact that it was cheaper than my usual "tummy warming" bedtime drink- horlicks. Sadly, the pleasure ends at the purchase.
I ladelled a big spoonful of the brown stuff into my mouth (yes, I have to admit that I have a disgusting habit of eating as well as drinking my Milo) and my immediate thoughts were- "There's something dreadfully wrong here!" The texture was way too grainy and the flavour far less chocolatey and much sweeter than the stuff I know as Milo.
Next thing that pops into my head is "Why?!?!"
I examine the tin and discover that it is imported from Africa. Perhaps they like their Milo sweeter, grainier and less chocolatey. Lesson learnt. Always read the label before you buy. Especially when buying Milo. Or just stick to Horlicks.

What's in the name?

2008-03-05T10:07:00.002Z

Ever had one of those strange feelings when you think about a word again and again until it becomes completely alien to you? I often experience this "word strangeness" when I stare at a word for a prolonged period of time.
Last night however, was the first time a similar feeling occured, but with my name. For a moment, my name didn't seem like mine. I felt detached from my name. I went a step further and thought about all the other people I know who share my name and it seemed to suit them fine. It just didn't quite belong to me.
Maybe I am going a little crazy...

Jibberish

2007-10-25T05:04:00.000+01:00

It's 5am and I'm on my last night shift! Tried to get some kip ealier on, but I kept getting bleeped and now I've pretty much given up and am choosing to stay awake.

I want to write something on my blog, but I can't seem come up with anything coherent. So this post is a bit of a post for the sake of posting...
As I'm writing this, I'm beginning to see how ridiculous it is, so I shall just stop here...

Letter to my blog

2007-10-22T02:49:00.000+01:00

Dearest blog

I've neglected you, haven't I?
Seriously, it's all that facebook's fault. Ok, perhaps you think it's a lame excuse, but facebook should come with a health warning! It's really quite addictive. And you know we all have 24 hours in a day.
Having said that, I do miss you much, my blog. You allow me to convert my feelings to thoughts and thoughts to words. You've shared in my joys, encountered my wrath and been blotted by my tears.
So perhaps we should rekindle this connection we once shared. I will try to make some effort. And you, well... you'll be there, as long as google's in business.

Me

Everything

2007-06-22T14:25:00.001+01:00

Song of the moment.

2007-06-22T14:11:00.000+01:00

Everything
Tim Hughes

God in my living
There in my breathing
God in my waking
God in my sleeping

God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking
God in my speaking

Chorus:
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

Verse 2:
God in my hoping
There in my dreaming
God in my watching
God in my waiting

God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing

Bridge:
Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me
Christ in me
Christ in me the hope of glory
Be my everything

Thinking

2007-06-22T13:11:00.000+01:00

Haven't blogged in a long time.

It's been a busy few weeks. Finally have a few days off and it feels fantastic to not have to be somewhere (ok... that somewhere is mostly at work)

In the last month, I've done lots of travelling, lots of contemplating, learning, growing.

Was in Dublin at the end of May for an acute medicine course. The course was actually really good. Very succinct, yet not too intense. Don't think anyone really wants to hear about the details of what I learnt about the best management of meningitis though. I did however experience something that I realised at that very time was a first. Well, I really only went to Dublin for the course. Arrived at the hotel about 12.30am on Monday morning and the course was due to start at 9.30am. As I got ready for bed, it hit me... Before that night, I had never stayed in a hotel room alone before. It was very strange. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. Did some thinking instead... the details of which are a little to close to my heart to blog.

Anyway, got back from the course on Tues night and left for Cardiff on Wed for W's wedding. Ahh... spent about 5 days there helping with wedding preparations, then there was the actual wedding. It was a trip that left me with lots and lots of thoughts. I was pretty sleep-deprived at the end of it, having stayed up quite a few of the nights chatting with my fellow bridesmaids. As I caught the flight back to Glasgow early Monday morning, I was really exhausted. Despite this, my mind was racing. I'd come to see what really mattered to me, what and who I'd taken for granted, what I wanted to change, how I want to lead my life...
It all sounds a little wishy-washy, but there's just so much that is in the form of "feelings and emotions" that it is hard to express. Furthermore, it may involve describing events or situations which might step on some toes...

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Anyway, after all the running between dublin, glasgow, cardiff, southampton etc, I returned to Glasgow and it was "payback time". It was work, work and more work. I'm sure no one really wants to hear more about that...

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Then there's the whole job saga. I wasn't offered anything during the initial round 1 offers. (the whole job application process in the UK is just too complicated to explain... all I can say is that it's far from organised and far from humane) Was resigned to having to apply for round 2 and do some locums from august... was even thinking of going travelling, doing missions work... it was all part of the "Why should I conform... I'll just go do all the things I've always wanted to do" phase.

Well, as I was trying to make changes to my CV before printing it out and sending my 2nd application for round 2, an email came in. Looked like one from the job people. I've learnt by now not to get my hopes up cos repeated disappointment still stings (and you thought I'd be completely numb by now). Opened the email and to my disbelief, it was an offer of a 1 year post in London/KSS. I was elated to have a job to go to in August. Given the current job situation, jobs are like gems... (it's sad I know) Then it started to set in... that in 6 weeks, I'm going to have to relocate across the country. I still don't know where in London or Kent or Surrey or Sussex I'll be working in or what the post entails. All I know is that I'll have to leave Glasgow.

It's been 8 years, a good 8 years. I still remember the time when I flew up from Cambridge to Glasgow for the medical school interview. It couldn't have gone more wrong. I'd left my lugguage on the conveyor belt and had to tell the bus driver to let me off so I could go collect my lugguage. Then getting in a cab from the bus station and it took me to the wrong place. And being told by the accommodation people that my interview venue was a 15 minute walk away. (I later stayed at that same student accommodation in my first year and realised that even when you walk that same route everyday at "Singapore+daughter-of-a-i-don't-wait-for-you-mother" pace, you won't make it there in 15 minutes) Needless to say I was late for my interview. Thankfully, the interviews were running late. The weather was to-die-for- a shade of winter grey with persistent drizzle and bone-biting chill. I told myself that Glasgow would be my last choice of Universities. Well well... guess what, I've lived in this "last choice" place for 8 years and have absolutely loved every bit of it. I've seen in these years how faithful my God has been and how even when my human mind cannot see beyond the blanket of grey, the light always breaks through. Once again, the joy is in the journey :)

So dear Glasgow, it looks like our 8 years is nearly over and it's time I bid farewell. I'll visit, promise!

God's been faithful and will remain faithful... "I must trust, I must trust... and believe that I can trust...."

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More to come...

The weather

2007-05-26T00:04:00.000+01:00

How British! The weather. It features in nearly every conversation, it influences peoples' moods, it determines how many intoxicated patients will present at the ED...

Ah, but bad weather. Bad weather just seems to follow me! Seriously! Whenever I'm off, the weather's crap and when I'm working, it's nice! I'm not exaggerating!
And yes, whenever I'm away on holiday, the weather will be great till the day before I arrive, then it'll pour till the day I leave... then it'll be sunny again!

It'll be sunny tomorrow... cos I'm working...

Funny dream

2007-05-24T22:41:00.000+01:00

I think I've got blogger's diarrhoea... one post after another. Or perhaps it's more like "overflow" diarrhoea from not having posted anything for a while.

And I do apologise for how graphic the last paragraph is. The medics amongst you would probably not even flinch, but for everyone else, I hope you weren't having your dinner whilst reading.

Anyway, I just remembered a funny dream I had last night... and thought I'd have to put it down... just cos it was so ridiculous I'm beginning to doubt my sanity.

I don't actually remember all the details, but what I do remember is that I was being taken advantage of by one of the consultants whom I'd worked for last year, Dr C (he's a bit of a tyrant, albeit a physically not-so-large one) and there was this hunk of a guy who came to my rescue- yup, full 6-pack and "muscly". I was so happy that he came to my before any harm befell me, but after he rescued me, he shrunk down to the size of an action figure and asked me to put him back on the shelf!

You know how dreams are often influenced by the recent events? Well, this was a really hilarious combination! Serves me right for winging about Dr C with one of the other medics the other day...

The first thing that comes to mind when I recalled the dream...

Dr C:

My hero:

LOL :)

Postpone the negative thoughts

2007-05-24T22:15:00.000+01:00

Dearest blog...
I was going to vent all my frustrations, pen all my woes and release all that pent up emotion within me.

I'll have to postpone doing so now cos I've now thought about the SofM and am feeling better already. To speak of all the negative things would just make me feel low, so there's not much point in doing so.

So we shall just keep it at raindrops on roses, warm woollen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with string, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings... (I've omitted those that I don't actually think are that nice anyway)

Edelweiss... I actually think it sounds prettier than it looks.

Love,
your faithful owner

The Sound of Music

2007-05-24T21:45:00.000+01:00

Let's start at the very begninning.

Meant to post this last week, but following my return from London, things got a little hectic (mostly with work). Perhaps the moment has passed me by and I will not be able to fully express the joy that watching The Sound of Music brought. But I shall try anyway.

I am the sort of person who would rather not watch a movie than watch it on my own. I have never wanted to watch a movie that badly. Trips to the cinema are more social for me.

So you see, the SofM really has such a special place in my heart. I went down to London for an interview, which went badly. There was no point in dwelling on it, and the weather was crap and my feet were sore from those heels... So I decided that I'd just go to the box office and buy myself tickets to the SofM. It didn't matter that no one was free to go with me. It didn't matter that I would have to hang around town for the next 4 hours. I wanted to watch it. Full-stop.

It was fantastic!!! I bought the best tickets I could get, got there, squeezed past groups of tourists, families, couples etc... plonked myself (and my shopping bags) down and enjoyed the musical from beginning to end. It's my favourite musical of all time. The one that I'd learnt all the songs to as a child. The one that would make me smile no matter how grey the skies are, or how deep the valleys seem. It didn't matter who was sitting on my left and right. It didn't matter that my feet were still sore. I was there... in the hills, in the chapel, in the von Trapp family home. It felt like 2 hours where I was transported out of this problem-filled world to a world where I felt I was 5 again and my only care was how I was going to convince dad to buy me that toy.

I could watch it again. Again and again and again. I've tried to relive it all by buying the soundtrack, but its not the same. There'll be a next time. I'd watch it, whether I'm 30 or 50 or 80... and I know I'd still feel like a 5-year-old again!

Hmm... It's worked! I feel happier just talking about it...

Rodgers and Hammerstein- what geniuses!!!

Mish mash

2007-05-24T21:42:00.000+01:00

So much on my mind. A whole load of mish mash.

The past week and a half has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

At this point in time, I have so much to say, but all I want to do is dig a big hole in the ground and hide away from the world.

Oops

2007-05-08T20:51:00.000+01:00

On nights at the moment. Was finishing this morning when one of the Registrars walks in.

Him: "Hi."
Me: "Oh, hi."

I then notice something on his upper lip.

Me: "Oh dear, what happened to your lip."
Him: "Cold sore."

He proceeded to walk on.

I seem to have a knack for embarrassing situations. It honestly looked like he'd bitten his lip or had fallen over or something.

At least I didn't reply with: "Tried zovirax?"

The PPPP+H of salt

2007-05-06T21:40:00.000+01:00

Do you believe in coincidences? What if the timing is just so perfect? Would you then believe that it is all the hand of God?

I was doing QT this morning. Read Leviticus 2. I often find it difficult to see the relevance of old testament traditions in life today, but Leviticus 2 did make an impression. The book of Leviticus starts by talking about the different offerings that the Israelites offered unto God. Lev 2 speaks of the grain offering. They offered different types of grain offering unto the Lord, but the important thing about each grain offering was a) it must be without yeast and b) it must be seasoned with salt.

Salt. It's mentioned a lot in the bible. We are called to be the salt of the earth. And to not lose our saltiness, or we'll lose all usefulness. The bible commentary spoke of salt as a substance that penetrates, that preserves and brings healing. Such a simple substance, with such tremendous properties. When I think about the healing properties of salt, I can't help but relate it to salt on an oral ulcer. It really really smarts, doesn't it? How you have to grit your teeth and contort every facial muscle as the salt penetrates the ulcer. Yet you do it cos you know that it will help the ulcer to heal. Somehow (I don't really know why), that led me to think of Hebrews 12:11-
"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

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Went to church. Pastor Fred was preaching. And guess what? He started with Matthew 5, about us being salt of the earth. Then he referred us back to Leviticus 2. At that moment, I couldn't help but think to myself... "You can't be serious... of all passages in the bible... Lord, you can't speak louder than this, can you?"
From his sermon, I was reminded of yet another "P" property of salt- Purity. Salt is pure. I was wondering how salt, NaCl can lose it's saltiness. Well, it's when it loses it's purity, when it is contaminated.

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So now when I think of salt, I think of all the "Ps"
Purity
Preservative
Penetrance
Pain

+ healing properties... couldn't come up with a "P" for that...

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Glorious weekend

2007-05-06T21:00:00.000+01:00

I had a lovely weekend :)

It's been a while since I've felt this sense of liberation. No exams, no interviews, no work. It's momentary, I know, but I really really did try to make the most of this weekend. Phoned mum and dad on Friday morning, then had brunch outdoors with R, proceded to the Botanics and lay on the grass, soaked in the sunshine and read my favourite magazine (ok, it's Grand Designs, I shall admit)
Friday evening was spent at Prayer meeting. Played the KB, something I've not done in such a very long time and I was really blessed by the ministry:)

Was meant to go to Loch Lomond on Saturday, but that was cancelled. Spent the morning thinking of what a beautiful day it was, blasting "Casting Crowns" latest album and just thanking God and remembering His faithfulness. Then had breakfast, and did my long overdue ironing whilst watching Saturday Kitchen (ok, again sad, but there's no better way to spend a Saturday morning). Took a roadtrip to Aberfoyle and went cycling with friends in the afternoon. Just imagine peddling as fast as you can along the banks of the loch, sun on your back, wind in your face. Bliss.
Back in Glasgow, chatted with friends whom I hadn't spoken to in ages, had a nice shower, then met a R and O for hot chocolate/vanilla steamer.

Weather today was not too nice, combination of wind, rain and some sunshine. Spent the morning in church (more about that later), then went supermarketing (bought enough to feed an army, or just me for a week) and joined blockbuster. Yup, I joined blockbuster. Even I find it difficult to believe.

The weekend's coming to an end... It's bank holiday Monday tomorrow, but I don't get public holidays. Start nights tomorrow. Still, I thank God for the great weekend. As for the nights... It'll just make me appreciate my next weekend off even more:)

More ranting

2007-04-29T22:33:00.000+01:00

Bad bad day at work.

It's a long story involving me, another doctor, the medics and a patient with an anterior communicating artery aneurysm. Was told this morning by one of the nurses that that I'd better flee the country cos that "another doctor" was going to shoot my ass.

Considering it's day 7 of my 11-day stretch of non-stop work, I was already losing the plot and I really didn't need this to spoil the rest of the day. Nonetheless, being the anti-conflict person that I am, it's still floating about in my mind and I'm dreading tomorrow, when I'll probably have to face the "show down".

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I had the feeling it wasn't going to be a good day. Took a cab to work (cos the underground doesn't open till 10am on Sundays, and my sleep is too important for me to commence the hour-long trek to work at 7am). The cab driver turned up in his shiny white VW Passat all in good time. I got in and the conversation went:

Him: "So, you're on your way to work?"
Me: "Yup."
(Silence for a while)

Him: "You're a doctor, or?" (wonder why he didn't complete the question)
Me: "Yup, I'm a doctor."

Normally, at this point, the conversation could go one of 3 ways:
a) He could start telling me about his aunt or uncle or cousin who was admitted to hospital last year with "double pneumonia" and contracted MRSA, which killed him.

b) He could just move on to some other topic like the sort of stuff one must see in an inner city emergency department, or even something not medically related.

c) He could start trying to "get some medical advice".

Well, today's cabby decided on the third option. Normally, I don't have issues with people asking me for random bits of advice (even though I often haven't a clue what caused their strange rash or spot or lump). But I was tired and wishing I was anywhere else apart from in a cab on the way to work on a sunny sunday. The last thing I wanted was for work to start even earlier... Needless to say, I obliged him with advice about his "frozen shoulder", which basically, he already knew anyway cos his GP had been dealing with it.

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When bombshells are dropped early in the morning, your day is inevitably affected. I'm referring to the potential conflict, not the cabby. Plodded on through the rest of the day and was just so glad when it was all over.

But alas, tomorrow is d-day. Plus, I still have 2 days of 9-and-a-half hour shifts and another 2 days of 12-hour shifts to survive before I get a day off. Can't wait for friday. Then I wish that Monday would never come. Starting nights on Monday:(

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I'm glad Mr Laptop is working again. Just telling the world (or nobody) about all my frustrations is therapeutic.

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On days like these, I can't help but toy with the idea of a career change. What can I do? Any suggestions?

It is alive!

2007-04-29T22:22:00.000+01:00

Poor Mr Laptop died last week (yup, very creative name I know.. and yes, I've decided laptop has to be male).

For some reason, the touch pad and some of the keys refused to work, no matter how I rebooted the system. Tried everything. Phoned knowledgable Uncle H for advice. But it just wouldn't work. In my desperation, I impulsively picked up my reformatting cds and wiped Mr Laptop's contents out. Still, even though I'd lost everything I had installed (heart-wrenching), he was still malfunctioning.

Had no more time to waste on willing him to work. Had more pressing things to do, like preparing for my interview. So I just left him there and tried to ignore him.

But you know what? 2 days ago, after the whole interview saga, I decided I would just switch him on, just to convince myself that Mr Laptop was truly very ill and that I would have to take him to a doctor.
Guess what? Touch pad suddenly worked. So... miracles do happen! All's not lost.

His brain is still pretty empty at the moment, but I'll start filling him up soon...

So I'm pleased that Mr Laptop is well, and I'll try to take better care of him from now on.

And I ramble on...

2007-04-20T17:47:00.000+01:00

Why are my blog entries always so melancholic???

Really, I am a happier person than my entries would appear to portray. I guess it's down to the fact that when I have time to blog, I also have time to think... And when I have time to think, I tend to over-analyse everything.

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Back to work on Monday, so there'll be less of the thinking and the blogging.

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Oh yes, booked an interview for next week. I phoned up the A&E secretaries to let them know. The conversation went:

Me: "I'm just phoning to let you know that I have an interview to attend next Thurs."
Her: "What shift are you doing then?"
Me: "8am-6pm"
Her: "What time is the interview?"
Me: "1.30pm."
Her: "Do you need to travel?"
Me: "No, it's in Glasgow. Some hotel. Not exactly sure where."
Her: "Oh ok, so you won't be away the whole day then."
Me: "Erm, yah, I'll just have to leave about lunchtime."
Her: "I'm sure it'll be fine if you're away for an hour or so."
Me: "Ok, bye."

I sat there thinking... How on earth do you expect me to travel to an interview, wait for it, go through it and travel back to work in an hour?!?!
Argh... how tight can these people get???

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Addicted to Grey's anatomy. I'd watched all of season 2 last year. As an exam "incentive", I ordered season 1 on amazon the day after my part 2 exam.
Now that I've watched it all, I'm craving more! But season 3 isn't out on DVD yet and the clips on youtube are great, but just not quite enough. Anyone has season 3???

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Of warmth and chills

2007-04-19T22:17:00.000+01:00

Sat in Kelvingrove Park this evening. The sun was shining, birds chirping, tulips in bloom...
I love sunny, yet slightly chilly days. The glorious sunshine lights up all of creation and you just feel so lifted. And as you take a deep breath, the chilly air creates a tingling sensation in your chest. I know it sounds strange, but the feeling of coldness makes you so much more aware of the warmth and the converse is just as true.

As I lay prone with my pen in hand, I made a diary entry. As always, I look back to the last time I'd written- it was exactly a month ago. Thoughts started to crowd my head. It certainly feels like more than a month has gone by. The last month was busy and hectic, both physically and emotionally. There have been moments of coldness and warmth, hope and disappointment, confusion and certainty.

Extremes. Extremes provide perspective.

I scribbled away. Then it started getting more chilly. The sun was going down, the warmth was disappearing and it was getting colder.
Some things in life are certain and predictable. The sun will always go down. It was time to pack up and take a slow stroll home.

I look up at the blue skies. Perhaps the sunshine will return in the morning. Perhaps.

The weather forecast says tomorrow will be cloudy and rainy. Why is it always cloudy and rainy in Glasgow and warm and sunny in London or Brighton or Wales or just about everywhere else?

Perhaps the sun might just peek through... Hope is a good thing, right?

Early morning thoughts and doubts

2007-03-29T05:18:00.000+01:00

My sleep cycle is topsy-turvy at the moment. Have been sleeping at odd hours, waking at 3am... am neither in night shift nor day shift mode.

It's actually quite nice being awake in the early hours of the morning. The air is chilly and fresh, there's a still silence that feels so peaceful. Perfect environment to spend some quiet time with God. Somehow, despite the perfect setting, I'm so distracted. Am in that place once again, where I know He is near, yet He feels so far away. It makes me feel so guilty sometimes, that I can keep my focus on so many things for at least 15 minutes, but I can't even focus on the lover of my soul for half that time. I guess I just don't love Him enough. If I did, then it shouldn't be so hard...

The lyrics of the song below describe so very well how I very often feel- Like everyone around me is so strong and trying so hard and showing so much love... and there I am... the one that doesn't quite belong.
In a way, I know what I'm supposed to say, to do, to feel... but where does it stop being genuine? Am I just pretending? The song just exposes it all...
How do I love unconditionally, without judging, without expecting?

-------------------------------------------------------------

Stained Glass Masquerade
by Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Does Anybody Hear Her

2007-03-28T18:58:00.001+01:00

Such a meaningful song...
And along with the prison break video, it just evokes so much thought and emotion...

2007-03-26T17:57:00.000+01:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

Post from work

2007-03-20T06:55:00.000Z

It's 0655h. Am at work. Just thought I'd have to enter a blog entry from work cos I may never ever have the opportunity to do this again!!!

Tonight was really really strange. Even more so for a Monday night. I've seen a grand total of 5 patients in the past 9 hours, which is totally unheard of. The dept has been virtually empty all night!

Just for the record...

What is your destiny?

2007-03-18T23:57:00.000Z

What is your destiny?

A very good question.

A flurry of thoughts have been crowding my head since this question was posed today.
A mixture of rational thoughts (or at least what I deem to be so), emotionally-instigated thoughts and thoughts that I just can't classify have been playing pinball in my mind.

It's exasperating. I'm certain I think in the English language, but I can't seem to translate my thoughts into writing. It baffles me.

Guess the thoughts will just have to be confined for now.

Who am I

2007-03-13T23:42:00.000Z

The lyrics are just so beautiful........

Who am I (by Casting Crowns)

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again

Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

More distractions

2007-03-03T22:06:00.000Z

Ever had one of those days?

When you know you have so much to do, but just can't seem to muster the determination to do it?

When you allow yourself to succumb to just about any distraction just so you can avoid doing what you have to do?

Just another one of those days.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been quite a week.

Feels like I've gone into emotional overdrive.

In a short space of time, I've felt fear, disappointment, love, hope...

It's tiring.

Yet, it makes me feel so human... so "real"

I wish I had the words to describe my sentiments.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to work on Monday.

Honestly, not looking forward to it.

I quote one of the SMS messages I got from a friend doing the same job in a different hospital-
"I'd rather break both my legs than go to work."

Haha, perhaps I wouldn't go to that extreme. Especially if she was referring to breaking both her femoral shafts. The risk of fat emboli would be too high.
I've analysed it. If my left distal radius were broken, I wouldn't be able to write... so I wouldn't be much use at work. If the fracture were in my right radius, then I wouldn't be able to examine people, to do any suturing, to site IV cannulae...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to reality.

Back to whipping myself into doing more revision for the exam.

Either that or I could spruce up on my anatomy...

Think I'd choose the former, anytime.

Patient expectation

2007-02-25T10:20:00.000Z

Patient expectation.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

"There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under heaven:

time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. "

Thoughts of work

2007-02-23T22:57:00.000Z

The last 6 months of being off full-time employment taught me much. It made me realise how much of my identity and self-worth came from my job and how lost I was without it. It made me realise that perhaps my priorities were topsy-turvy, that there really is so much more to living than merely working my bum off.

The first few months of not working were really weird. I felt extremely unemployed. Then I got my head round the fact that I could spend time doing all the things that I'd meant to do but just didn't have the time too. Then I got quite used to having time to do things at a leisurely pace.

The week before starting this job, I was apprehensive. Apprehensive about not being competent enough, about the long hours and about whether I'd allow my job to take hold of my life again.

2 weeks into work, I can say that the hours are undoubtedly long, but at my age, one should be able to cope with that. My competencies will improve, so that's a work in progress. And as for my job being my life, I've come to realise it is down to attitude and perception. I want to be good at what I do, but experience has now taught me that it will not be at the expense of selling my whole being to my job. So whilst it takes up a lot of my time, it has not taken hold of my life.

More importantly, I know that God gave me this job. So each day, before I head to work I give thanks for what I've been given. I pray that He will be with me in everything that I do... yup, especially in the "Help! What do I do now" situations. Then I ask that I will work with all my heart as working for God and not for man. Equipped with the greatest tool, I head off.

A day in my life

2007-02-23T22:18:00.000Z

My life's changed a lot lately.

I have gone from having a good deal of time to myself and to my friends, to having close to none.

For the past fortnight, the routine has been- wake up, eat, work, eat, shower, fall asleep after reading for 15 min., sleep, then back to work again.

I will now dissect each activity...

1. Work
Much as I moan, I don't hate my work. Really. Yes, I do experience a "sense of impending doom" as I head off to work, but once I'm there, it's usually ok. It's often quite exciting actually. I'm still at the "Help!!! What do I do now" stage, so my adrenal glands are on overdrive half the time. Which leads me on to the second activity...

2. Eat
In most jobs, you have a relatively uninterrupted lunch break where folk sit down, have lunch and engage in some banter. In A&E however, we have staggered lunch breaks. You are always conscious of the fact that the patients continue to pile up as you have your lunch and no matter how hard you try to relax, you spend half the time looking at your watch to see how long you've been away for and the other half trying to taste your sandwich.
At the rate I'm going, I should be skin and bones... But that's something that will never happen to me, so long as I pass the swallow assessment. When I get home, whether or not I'm hungry, I head to the kitchen and start chomping away on just about everything I see. Junk food doesn't involve cooking, so I start with that, whilst waiting for my food to cook...
And once I'm stuffed to the brim, I head along for a shower, attempt to do some studying and before I know it, I'm into activity

3. Sleep
I really can't help falling asleep. The tired brain, bones, muscles all need rest. Having said that, I've dreamt about work nearly every night for the past week! Think nightmare is a better description than dream actually.
The immense relief I get when I wake up and realise that it isn't true is tremendous!

In order to maximise activity 3., I often have to proceed to activity 2. whilst on the train or bus to activity 1.

And the cycle repeat's itself again...

Now for the good news...

- Tomorrow is the start of my first weekend off since I started this job!!!
- I've got the rest of the week of (annual leave). Annual leave is allocated in this job, but it's time off, so I'm not complaining!
- It was pay day yesterday. First proper pay check in a while :) I'm working for a decent wage at least!

Which also explains why I can finally post another blog entry.

Happy CNY

2007-02-18T02:06:00.000Z

Hey folks... Happy CNY...

Btw, were any of you shouting my name from outside my flat earlier this evening? Cos if you were, it's not that I was ignoring you. Really. Was at work... my flatmate just told me that there were pple outside her window shouting...

Anyways, just to get some sympathy, I spent my "chu2 xi1" dealing with drunken head injuries... and my "tuan2 yuan2 fan4" was leftover pasta for 2 days ago... but I'm not complaining... just moaning, like I always do. And yes, it's my fault... I did choose to do this job :(

I do take consolation (ok, very small consolation) in the fact that I've got a horrid cold, so I wouldn't really be able to enjoy all the yummy new year goodies anyway.

Happy CNY one and all...

First stabbing

2007-02-11T02:17:00.000Z

Encountered my first stabbing today.

For folk who aren't aware, Glasgow is kinda well known for knife crime.
The east end of Glasgow in particular is the knife capital!
And yes, I'm working in the A&E dept in the east end of Glasgow...

One of the consultants mentioned that "stabbings often come in runs..."

Guess he's right.

There were 2 that came in together at about mid-day... then there was the guy who sustained a skull fracture after being assaulted with a bottle... then just as my shift was about to end, there was another with multiple stab wounds.

So yah, all very exciting.

Wonder what tomorrow holds.

A&E so far...

2007-02-09T23:35:00.000Z

I'm 3 days into my new job in A&E. Spent most of the first 2 days at "induction", where they run you through presentation after presentation of "what you should know", "red flags", "what to do with a sick child" etc.

Honestly, it the presentations really don't help with my confidence levels. Before I go to work each day, I'm filled with anticipation, dread, excitement... which just means that my stomach churns and my adrenaline levels escalate. We all have comfort zones. So I'm pretty comfortable seeing patients with a medical problem, ie., chest pains, COPD, pneumonia, haematemesis etc... yup, even the classic presentation of 82-year-old Mrs Bloggs who's simply "off her legs" brings me comfort. What I haven't a clue about... is everything else, especially orthopaedics (so the thought of broken bones, torn ligaments etc all freak me out), O&G (if you're preganant, I won't dare give you anything apart from paracetamol and intravenous fluids) and paeds. Paeds is the ultimate challenge. I mean, their whole anatomy and physiology is totally different. In the words of the registrar who gave us the paeds lecture, "Never treat a child like a little adult. They're different antomically and physiologically." So there goes... that's if I can get past the whole history and examination bit in the first place. How can I examine a kid without making him wail? Ok, some kids won't wail even if you stabbed them with a needle to get bloods of them, but that totally spells danger... when a kid is too sick to wail, they're very very very sick...

Ok... I do realise that this blog entry makes a really boring read. Please forgive my need to rant on... It keeps me sane.

Oh yah, here's what I saw this evening:
- lady coughing up copious amounts of blood
- guy with blood in his vomit and stool
- driving instructor with paronychia (swollen, tender pus-filled finger/nail bed)
( if you bite your nails, this is what you get)
I incised and drained the paronychia... not without problems though...
- preganant woman with abdominal pain
And my last patient of the evening was a classic. swollen, red and very tender left testicle.
Needless to say, he went to the surgeons.

Think I'll have to stop here and go do some of this reading... then get some sleep...

Blessed be Your Name

2007-02-06T22:39:00.000Z

On my way back from lifegroup just now, I kept thinking... I really must delete my last post... it's soooo negative!!!

But when I got home, I decided against it. I should just qualify my last post.

Yes, I had a somewhat miserable day. Not for any discernable reason. Or at least none I could come up with.

And no, I am not depressed.
Nor am I dreading starting work in A&E tomorrow (honest!)

But... as I was walking to lifegroup this evening, blasting from my MP3 player was this song by Matt Redman-

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in,
LordStill I will say...

Chorus:
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Repeat chorusx2

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

I was just blown away.
I was reminded of God's faithfulness.
I was reminded that He will never leave me, He will never forsake me.
Through good times and bad
Happy days and sad

Indeed, His name shall be blessed no matter what situation I'm in, no matter what mood I'm in!

Isn't it so good that God is unchanging? He's the one constant that shines through everything that isn't.

So yes, by the time I got to life group, I was feeling better.

And by the time I left, I was smiling. This time, I wasn't just trying it out to see if it would make me feel more lifted.

So, thank you Lord for your faithfulness
Thank you for blessing me with a lovely life group
Thank you for loving me, even when I feel unworthy or inadequate or just plain moody.
Blessed be Your name!

Misery

2007-02-06T18:06:00.000Z

Ever had one of those days where you just feel miserable?

Where you can't seem to focus on anything that you know you're meant to do?

Where you pace the room to think what it might be but just can't quite come up with a logical explanation?

Where you look at yourself in the mirror and smile, not because you want to, but just in case it might make you feel better?

Where even the prospect of endorphin-releasing chocolate doesn't trigger the usual "high"?

Do you believe PMS exists? I don't want to believe it, but maybe that's what it is.

Or maybe it's down to the lack of sleep and plain fatigue.

Cos these transient days of misery need an explanation.

Then again,

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Failure in a task vs seeing yourself as a failure

2007-02-04T17:58:00.000Z

Just recounting a story from last night's bible study. I thought it quite profound.

There was a study being done to compare 2 groups of "pot makers".

The first group was termed the "quantity" group. Their job was to make 50 pots. The quality of the pots didn't matter. All they were tasked to do was to make 50.

The second group was the "quality" group. They were tasked to make just 1 pot, but to put all their effort into that one pot to make it as perfect as possible.

At the end of the day, when all the pots had been made, this question was asked-
Which group made the best pots?

Whenever a story like that is told, you always know to expect and unexpected answer. But that doesn't make the unexpected answer any less profound.

Well, in case you haven't guessed, the answer is the "quantity" group.

The "quality" group spent all their time trying to make the perfect pot. Despite this, they still made mistakes.
The "quantity" group on the other hand made such terrible pots at the start, but as they made more and more pots, they learnt from the mistakes that they made with each previous pot and in the end, they produced the best pots!

The bible study was about our approach to failure. So the take home message from this story is that it is alright to fail, to make mistakes. What's important is that we learn from them, pick ourselves up and not allow failure to overcome us.

My take on it is that whilst God allows us to fail in situations and tasks, we are to persevere and learn from the failures. ie. We may have failed, but we are not failures. (if you get what I mean...)

MTAS woes

2007-02-04T17:48:00.000Z

Finally, I've clicked on the "submit" button!
For all of you junior doctors out there (in the UK), I'm sure you share my sense of relief, accomplishment and fear (that you might have missed something out).
So yes, I've applied for Core Medical Training ST2 in Scotland, London/KSS, Northwestern and Northern deaneries.
It's taken a lot longer than I had anticipated. I think I've spent at least 15 hours on this application. Having said that, I think it wouldn't have made much difference if I'd spent a quarter of that time on it. I would just have procrastinated less.

Ok, I know it's only the beginning. There's still the shortlisting, then the interviews, then round 2 if I don't get anything in round 1...

But for now, the form is done! (big smile)

Enoch

2007-01-24T12:42:00.000Z

"When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. And after he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God 300 years and had other sons and daughters. Altogether, Enoch lived 365 years. Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away."
- Gen 5:21-24

I was reading Gen 5 and wondered why I didn't wonder before about Enoch. Why was his life on earth so much shorter than all the other men mentioned in the bible who lived in that day? Why did God take him away? Because he walked with God? Because...? Genesis 5 speaks of Adam and his descendents. With each man, it describes how many years he lived for, at what age he fathered a particular son and it finishes with "and then he died. With Enoch, there is no "and then he died. He was walking in God's ways here on earth, then suddenly, the bible says that "he was no more". So just like that. No more. God took him away.

I tired to find out more about Enoch, but there's nothing conclusive. Lots of postulations and suggestions about his life and his being taken away.

Then, as I thought about it all, I was reminded once again of what was said at lifegroup last night. We are aliens and strangers in this world. Merely passing through. There is an eternity to look forward to. Having said that, what we do on this earth does matter. It matters much. We've been put here for a purpose. A God-given purpose.

On that note, I shall stop pondering about Enoch and get on with life on earth.

Procratination

2007-01-15T14:04:00.000Z

Procrastination.

It's a big word.

Worse still, it is a big feature in my life.

It's hopeless. I'm blogging about procrastination cos I'm procrastinating.

Right, someone jab me in the ribs, pinch me or something.

I really need to get to work.

Is it better?

2007-01-15T11:17:00.000Z

It is better to have tried and failed
than to not have tried at all.

It is better to have loved and gotten hurt
than to not have loved at all.

It is better to have ventured and gotten lost
than to not have ventured at all.

It is better to live
than to merely exist.

Now, here comes the difficult part
Overcoming the fear
- of getting hurt, of failing, of losing my way
To do what is better.

My love-hate relationship with milo

2007-01-07T17:46:00.000Z

Just finished my second cup of milo today.

I have a love-hate relationship with milo.

Yup, I am referring to that chocolate malt drink in green packaging.

As a child, whilst my friends had "milo peng" in the school canteen, I had just about everything else. I refused to like milo. Whatsmore, I'd claim that ovaltine is better than milo. This is a statement that I'm sure most would disagree with. I do admit now that my claim is somewhat unsubstantiated.

You see, my dad worked and still works for the well-known company that owns milo. Being the very loyal and company-proud employee that he is, he would be full of praise of just about everything that the company manufactures. This was evident even when we were in the supermarket, where he would even "inspect" the shelves to ensure that their products were neatly arranged, much to the annoyance of mum. She would "remind" him that he works for the finance department, not marketing. Every month, we dad would return from work with our monthly order of maggi mee, nescafe, coffee mate and other essential company wares.

So in true yh stubborness, I decided that ovaltine was better than milo, myojo better than maggi, you get the point...

Perhaps that was teenage rebellion, yh style.

Things changed when I left S'pore for the UK. Suddenly, everything that once brought me comfort and security was taken away. I wasn't forced to go to boarding school. My parents offered me the opportunity, which naive 16-year-old me happily accepted (thinking it'll be lots of fun). All of a sudden, reality hit. It's almost as if I had to grow up overnight. I'd lost the comfort of my family, friends, home, routine (or lack of) and here I was, in this cold, dark country, stuck within the confines of a boarding school where I was forced to conform to their routines, where I was "gated" if I was so much as 5 minutes late for housecall, where I had to eat at certain times, shower at certain times and was only allowed out of the school grounds on certain days for a few hours.

Suddenly, all things familiar become much treasured- my family, my friends, even the material things that cannot be obtained in this foreign land. Yup, even the milo that I resented.

With time, I made friends. Many of them were M'sian (I was the only S'porean). I remember one of them telling me that she grew up in a family where every morning, she, along with her 4 siblings would stand in line whilst grandma shoved a large tablespoonful of "Scott's cod liver oil" into their mouths and a cup of milo in their hands. I discovered that milo meant something special to her too.

Milo does evoke warmth in my heart. But I never bought it. A part of me did always feel that to buy milo to bring back to the UK would be no different to admitting defeat. After all, I was always the one who insisted that milo is not nice.

Perhaps I've outgrown that childish behaviour. Just perhaps. After 9 years in this country, I carried my first packet of milo back from S'pore. I've only been back a week and I've finished more than half the packet! Guess I'm making up for all those lost milo years.

I bought that packet of milo when I was in the supermarket with dad. I even half teasingly asked him, "There's S'pore milo and M'sia milo, dad. Which one is better???"
Dad: "Of course S'pore milo!"
Me: "Why?"
Dad: "S'pore one not so sweet."
I couldn't help but smile at my dear daddy's predictable response and happily picked up my "made in S'pore" packet of milo, even though it costs 30 cents more than M'sia milo.

Hah milo... it's marvelous what milo can do for you!
Get a tin, make it a big tin today! (ok, in my case it was a packet)

First post of 2007

2007-01-07T17:19:00.000Z

I've only just realised that I've not posted anything on my blog this year!

Wishing everyone a blessed 2007!

Update: I'm back in Glasgow. Heard that lots of pple were ill with the snuffles and hacks over the festive period. Little did I expect that on the very day that I arrived I fell ill too. Better now:)

Went to church today... first time since being back. It was so nice to see everyone again!

Pastor Mike reminded us that we need to spend time with God and come up with a "plan" for 2007. I realised then that I've not thought much about 2007. I seem to have ignored the fact that it's a new year. Actually, I haven't done much thinking in the last month. Do I give up thinking and pondering when I'm on Singapore soil? And now that I'm back in Glasgow, does thinking resume?

2007. A part of me doesn't really want to think about it. I hope it's not cos I'm resigned to the fact that whatever will happen will happen. It's just that the older I am, the more uncertainties I seem to face. What I do know is that I'll start work at GRI in Feb until July. After July, that's a big question mark. Will I get into a decent ST programme? Should I go back to S'pore? Ok, so working conditions are crap, but dad and mum aren't getting any younger... What if I really don't like it? God has a plan for my life. I think we're back to patient waiting again.

2007 here I come...

Love, it's complex

2006-12-30T16:39:00.000Z

Was browsing through several blogs tonight. 3 out of the 4 that I read focused on the topic of love. Perhaps it's the end of the year and everyone's in a reflective, pensive mood. One spoke of love for her students, another of love for a girl, another of the hopelessness of finding the right girl to love.

And there I was, telling my new stuffed toy donkey, Donga that I love him. Sigh.

These days, I do also think about affairs concerning finding that significant other. Not that it makes any difference since there's nothing I can or will do about it. I've always maintained that such things are really in God's hands. Doesn't make it easy though, especially when you're within the arbitrary "marriagable age range".

Typical conversation goes:

Them: "So, no boyfriend ah?"
Me: "No."
Them: "Why?"
Me: (Silence) But inside, I'm thinking.... "Got why one meh?"
I do however manage to give them the puzzled, confused and embarrassed grin that usually prompts a change of topic.

Oh well, I reckon if I'm still single by the time I'm 35, the questions will eventually cease. Not that I'm hoping that that will happen...

My lobster face

2006-12-30T16:06:00.000Z

Ouch!!

"If you don't take care of your skin, you'll just pay money to suffer!"

The words of mum echo in my head each time my face comes into contact with anything, even a piece of tissue paper. It's sore, very sore. It's red, very red.

Had a facial appointment today. The last time I went, Sam (facial lady) was appalled at the state of my skin. Apparently every single pore on my face was clogged, hence the eruption of white- heads and black-heads. She managed to convince me then that I should fork out a substantial sum of money to do "bio peeling". I agreed, not realising that it was going to be such an ordeal! Having said that, the result was good and even mum thought that it would be a good idea to have another "peel", which I did today.

Bio peeling. It is apparently a sort of face scrub, which is made up of some herbal formula which penetrates deep into the pores and cleanses deep down. What they don't advertise is that it actually feels like someone is heaping handfuls of ground glass and scrubbing your entire face with it for 15 min. (ok, it was probably more like 8-10 min, but it sure felt like eternity) If any of you have had your zits "extracted" during a facial session, I'd say that on a scale of 1-10 for pain, an extraction sits somewhere about 3 and this... about 8.

And when you thought it was over, spoonfuls of cold, very minty goop is heaped onto your painful raw skin. At this point, you actually feel the arteries supplying your face pulsate. The masque is then peeled off your face and the process of cleaning all the residue with 2 sponges begins. More pain.

That's not the end. You end up walking around like a well-cooked lobster for the next 2 days. Afterwhich, your skin starts to flake off- think severe facial dandruff if you want a good mental picture.

So yes mum, you are right, I am paying good money to suffer. Yes, I will use those facial products, I will try my very best to keep my itchy fingers off my face, I will put my fringe up. I will do just about anything if it means avoiding going through the entire process again.

Ouch!!!

Sumptuous lunch

2006-12-28T15:38:00.000Z

Food. The one consistent feature of my current trip home. I've had an excess of good food on a daily basis, ranging from home-cooked-all-time-favourites to hawker fare to fine cuisine. My appreciation of food is the one proof of my "Singaporeaness"!

I shall admit to having a "checklist" that I try to get through at least once during each return home. Off the top of my head, I can tick off the following (in no particular order):

1. Mee rubus
2. Seafood hor fun
3. Mee pok tah with fishballs
4. Rojak
5. Popiah
6. Soon kway
7. Beef kway teow
8. Fish head curry
9. Dim sum

The above are just part of the list of "must haves". I've been quite successful- have managed to squeeze in many of the dishes more than once. I've had tonnes of other drool-worthy dishes, but I'll spare your salivary glands and refrain from listing them all.

I've detracted from the point of this post. I meant to say that mum, dad and I had lunch at Restaurante Bologna today. I normally try to have as little "ang-moh" food when I'm in S'pore as possible (so there'll be more room for the local grub), but this italien restaurant is a winner on more than one count! The food's fab, the ambience nice, the service good and very importantly, the capuccino did not disappoint. I had the antipasto and dessert buffet. The main courses looked really really good, but even my highly capable satiety centre had to stop me from over-indulgence. Having said that, I visited the antipasto spread at least 5 times, then swiftly proceeded to the desserts. The cheesecake was... well I had 2 slices, so that speaks for itself. Was quite controlled and had just 1 slice of chocolate cake, a bite of mum's tiramisu and another little chocolate thing which I don't know the name of. No matter how full one is, there's always room for coffee- my capuccino went down with much ease.

So, if you've not been to Bologna, I'd highly recommend it! Mum and dad have been there nearly every mothers' day for the past few years! And we all know how fussy my mum is about her food...

The frog symphony

2006-12-26T17:46:00.000Z

My sleep cycle's a little topsy-turvy again. I blame it on the frogs.

Or I could go one step further and blame it on the rain.

When it rains constantly and heavily like it has done over the past 48 hours, the frog army invades the forest and fields around our house. These frogs have amazing stamina and lung capacity. They start their symphony at about 6.30pm and keep going till 6am the next day. The problem is made worse by the fact that they don't exactly sing rhythmically. So as I lie there, trying hard not to concentrate on their croaks, I can feel myself anticipating the arrival of the next croak, which would inevitably be totally out of time!

Maybe the frogs will get sore throats and stop. Or maybe it will just stop raining and the frogs will go home and give their voice boxes a rest.

Old friends

2006-12-26T17:09:00.000Z

I believe people are like apples. There's the core, which is shaped by a person's nature, as well as nurture, particularly during childhood. Then there's all the flesh- the substance that's added on as the years go by, influenced by events and experiences unique to each person. Sometimes the flesh is beautiful, sweet and crunchy... almost perfect. Other times, it's sour, soft and powdery... perhaps even rotting. But as long as the rotting flesh does not penetrate to the core, the core's really still the same.

This thought always comes to me when I meet up with old friends. Whenever I meet up with friends whom I've known since primary or secondary school, I head to the meeting place with a mixture of excitement and apprehension. There's always joy and eager anticipation to see friends you've not seen for ages, find out about what's new and current in their lives, laugh over all the silly things that you did together in days gone by. And yet, there's always this tinge of fear. What if you've lost that "bond"? What if your lives have gone in such different directions that you don't have anything to talk about anymore? What if your friends whom you thought you knew have changed so much that you aren't sure you know them anymore?

Well, each time I do meet up with these old friends, I am relieved to discover that my fears are unfounded. That yes, our lives have taken very different paths, but we still share the thick bond of friendship that weathers time and circumstance.

Somehow, old friends who have known you since childhood/schooldays are special. Perhaps we become more shallow people as we go along, or perhaps we succumb to the world's value system, or lack of as we leave the comfort and security of our homes and schools. Such friends know our "core", the people we really are before we are dressed by the flesh. Maybe that's why when we meet, we are able to re-reveal that very pure part of ourselves that's always been there. A bit of that innocence that comes with being a child, being young. And we can rest assured that there are no pretences, no hidden agendas, no "reading between the lines".

To all my friends, especially the ones whom I've met up with or been in contact with in the recent weeks, thanks! - For being just the way you are.

Boxing day thoughts

2006-12-26T16:49:00.000Z

Ok, so it's about an hour past boxing day. Couldn't quite come up with another title for this post though.

Dawned on me this evening that my holiday at home is coming to an end in a week. It's been really nice to be home. Times like this, I ask myself if it is time to pack my bags and head home. Then all the "buts" come in. But... wouldn't it be easier to finish my exams first? But... is it really time to rejoin all my peers on the S'pore hamster wheel? But... how will I ever have a life outside medicine if I have to take on the not-so-friendly working hours of a S'pore doctor? But, but, but...

But there's the other side to it... I want to be there as my parents age and require more care and attention. If I do marry and have kids, I would rather they grow up in the secure S'pore environment (despite all the kiasuism) than in the UK environment, where the values of discipline, diligence and respect seem to have disintegrated.

The "buts" are unending. Guess the "wait and see" attitude is useful sometimes.

Langkawi

2006-12-21T15:24:00.000Z

Dad, mum, mei and I went on a nice short break to Langkawi. The sun was shining, the sea was clear and the food was yummy (most of it)!

So all we really did was lie on the beach, swim at the pool and in the sea, eat and watch astro in the hotel room. Oh yes, there was also some snorkelling and canoeing done.

We stayed at The Andaman, and I would highly recommend it. It's owned by the same group that own the famous Datai, but it's certainly less dear. We visited the rooms at the Datai as well, which were really nice, but to be honest, the deluxe rooms weren't that much nicer than their equivalent at the Andaman but cost about 1.7 times as much. The villas at the Datai however are in a league of their own.

Foodwise, apart from the satay that we had at the pasar malam, the food at the hotel was far superior to what we had outside the hotel. What was most impressive was Gulai House, which serves local cuisine with that added touch. Gulai House was a winner on all counts- presentation, flavours, service, ambience.

Now for the photos. 1st one is of dad, mum and mei walking on the beach. As you can see, dad's eyes are sensitive to the sunlight and mum, well... feels she needs her reflective umbrella along with SPF 60 sunblock.
2nd one is of me in full concentration. I was trying to scrape the coconut flesh from my "cendol in young coconut". Next one is of mum, dad and I at Gulai House- our 2nd meal there in 3 days. The last one is of me, dad and mei- the brown, the pale and the coffee...

Chinty and Leeyen's wedding

2006-12-21T08:45:00.000Z

10th Dec- Chinty and Leeyen's wedding. I made a trip up to KL and spent several days there. Stayed with Michelle :) It was really nice... and most strange at the same time. Went up 2 days prior to the wedding and had a couple of meals with Glasgow friends who are back in KL for the season, as well as old friends who've returned to KL for good. It was somewhat like "Glasgow transferred". Pastor Winston and Sister Eunice were there too!

Didn't have my camera with me, so all the photos were taken with my phone. Didn't snap any at the lunch reception. Shall await Michelle's photos.

Also met up with Sharm @ megamall... Haven't seen her in ages!

Dad's baptism

2006-12-18T15:51:00.000Z

My dad was baptised yesterday:)
It was so sweet and beautiful.

2 days prior to baptism day, dad was informed he had to prepare a "testimony" on an A4 sheet. So guess what, my dear sis and I had to play scribe and "paraphraser" on Saturday night. It was actaully a blessing to be a part of his testimony writing! It was really nice hearing his testimony in it's raw form.

Often, "conversion" comes as a gradual process. For dad, there were so many factors that convinced him that Christ is real and that He really is the one true God. What struck me the most was that after he had narrated his brief testimony to mei and I, he said, "I know you've all been praying that I will one day come to believe."

I don't know if you've ever prayed for something on such a longterm basis that you sort of forget that you've been praying for it? Well, I've prayed through the years that my very "resistant" dad would come to experience a relationship with Christ. Honestly, at times, I have wondered, "Is there any point in praying? Nothing seems to happen." But God is faithful, even when I am often so lacking in faith. He answers. sometimes, it just takes a bit more perseverence, a bit more patience.

So, thank you my dear Lord for hearing and answering my prayers, and the prayers of so many around me, even when they may often be tinged with doubt. Prayer works :)

Several of mum and dad's friends were present at the baptism service and we were so blessed to have them share the special day with us.

Bits of Barcelona

2006-11-27T19:35:00.000Z

Sigh. I'm still not very good at this whole blogging business.

Spent the last 1/2 hour trying to create a post, along with some photos, but somehow, I couldn't get the photos uploaded and when I did and realised that I wanted to delete a couple of them, I couldn't get rid of them.

But I'm determined to post something tonight!

Well, back in S'pore now :) Had a busy week prior to this, but it was great! Barcelona was really nice... the weather, the food and especially the architecture! I'm still deciding which building I like best, but it's a tough one.

Here are a few random photos... I'll upload the rest onto flickr soon (ok... once it may be a while till I get round to it)

Can't seem to get the captions in the right place, so this will have to do.

First photo is of hot chocolate. Yup, it tends to be listed under "desserts" in Barcelona and very rightfully so. It's really more like thick, molten chocolate. A real sweet treat!

Next one is of the famous Sagrada Familia. This particular photo is taken from the "passion" facade. There are 3 facades- Nativity (the only one that was completed by Gaudi during his day), Passion and Glory (yet to be completed). The beauty of the Sagrada is simply indescribable. The attention to detail reflects the immense passion that Gaudi put into designing and building the Sagrada. The one thing the guide spoke of struck me so much- "Do you know why the Gaudi designed the tallest tower to reach the height of 170m?" Well, the answer is simple. Montjuic (tallest mountain in the area stands at 173m). Gaudi believed that man cannot create what God can create, hence, the tallest tower must not exceed the height of the mountain!

Next photo is of the Palau de la musica catalana. This is the "extension" bit, hence the modern architecture. No photography was allowed inside. Again, it is so magnificient! Even more difficult to describe without any internal photos!

Ha... this is a cactus photo. Have this thing about cacti- I'm not too fond of them plus they don't survive very long under my care... so here I'm standing amongst some very large cacti... just to demonstrate their size.

And lastly, there's the Palau de la musica catalana again. This is taken from the other side of the building.

Re o bama

2006-11-18T00:44:00.000Z

We fall down, we lay our crowns

At the feet of Jesus

The greatness of mercy and love

At the feet of Jesus

And we cry holy, holy, holy

Is the Lamb

Re o bama

Re I koba

Naong tsa go Jesu

Lo lorato

Le legolo

Naong tsa go Jesu

O boitshepo, boitshepo

O kwana

- Chris Tomlin

Few words, much meaning. This song is really special to me. It's one that seems to "appear" whenever I'm at an extreme of a particular emotion- sometimes when I'm feeling down, sometimes when I'm feeling just so grateful, sometimes when I'm just a little lost and in need of assurance. This song has brought me to my knees, filled my eyes with tears and stirred my heart up so much that it just aches.

The first 2 verses are sung in english, and the next 2 are in setswana, which is the national language of Botswana. Whenever I hear the song, I'm reminded of God's omnipresence.

I find it hard to explain. The words mean so much, yet, even when the language is one that I do not understand, the worship is just as beautiful.

Tonight, we sang it at prayer meeting.

Leaving later this morning for Barcelona, returning to Glasgow next week for a day before flying back to S'pore. It was strange and a bit sad bidding farewell to folk in church. "See you in January." I know that before I know it, it will be January 2007, but right now, it seems so far away. Mixed feelings. I'm excited about going to Barcelona, really happy to be spending Christmas with my family in S'pore, but soppy ol me is going to miss everyone here so so much.

So take care... all of you... I'll c u next year... God bless, always.

Friends, coffee and books...

2006-11-16T22:41:00.000Z

Today was one of those days. My brain was programmed from the minute I awoke to "eat" mode. Hunger wasn't the issue at any point of the day. In fact, my satiety centre was working perfectly fine. It did on many occasions convey the message to my brain- "Stop! Stomach says it can't cope with all the junk being loaded in!" Somehow, some other part of my brain, perhaps I shall call it the "greed centre" won today, which is why I'm feeling absolutely stuffed to the brim. And I said I don't even like crisps... honest!

Anyway, I thought I'd post a picture to represent the institution where I spent the whole of yesterday afternoon and half of this afternoon. I was meant to meet up with a friend who had the day off for coffee and to do some studying. Somehow, we discovered that 2 other friends happened to be off work as well. The 4 of us sat in Starbucks and hung out together. 4 hours and many a hot beverage later, we decided it was time to pull out the books. We managed about half an hour before it was time to return to our respective homes for dinner. So yes, a productive day!

This morning, after multiple sms messages, the 4 of us, plus another friend met for brunch. Then it was off to Starbucks again for more of this "studying" business. We were more successful today. I've now nearly finished chapter 2 of my A&E radiology book... So I can just about name most of the skull sutures:)

As for why it had to be Starbucks... Well, the winter flavours are here! They're sooo good. Every year, my flatmate and I eagerly await the arrival of the red winter cups. Top of the list has to be the eggnog latte. Next comes the gingerbread latte. My new favourite (when I'm not in the mood of caffeine) is the signature hot chocolate. However, nice as it may be, I would advise against getting a venti... I managed one yesterday, but it was really "jelak".

A couple of photos...

There are patients and there are patients.

2006-11-15T00:21:00.000Z

Did a locum shift at BOC today. All I really did was clerk-in the patients being admitted in the morning and when I'd finished, I started preparing the casenotes for the next day.
Basically, everyone on the ward was receiving chemotherapy... the flavour of the week seems to be 5FU.

Do people ever wonder what a ward full of cancer patients receiving chemotherapy- some curative, some palliative is actually like? Do people have their own preconceptions of the mood in the place?

Well, I'll tell you what it isn't... It isn't a dreary, place full of sad patients resigned to their diagnosis. Perhaps by the time a patient gets chemotherapy, he/she would have come to terms with the diagnosis and simply makes the decision to move on in life... in some cases, remaining "life" may only span weeks or months... Or perhaps he/she, when faced with the stark reality of death learns to appreciate life even more. I can only guess.

There was the jovial man in the second bed with 'radiation burns' across his face and neck, who laughed heartily at my attempt to cart away a pile of casenotes suspended between my arms and my chin... then there was the sweet man in the bed next to the nursing station who was thanking me profusely for simply clerking him in and offering to try my best to improve his symptom management. (He was suffering from such severe mucositis from his treatment that he could hardly swallow without wincing in discomfort)

It's people like these that make my vocation worthwhile. It's so easy to become cynical and disillusioned when faced with the likes of aggressive, ungrateful patients who shout profanities at you for trying to site an intravenous cannula in them so they can receive antibiotics for the cellulitis secondary to their intravenous drug use. And yet, the ones who simply seem to have drawn the short straw in life express only gratitude for every ounce of care that is delivered.

Hmm... in my next job in A&E, I can be assured of an excess of the former category of patients...

Chestnut explosion and Bob the policebear

2006-11-14T00:12:00.000Z

Tonight was my second attempt at roasting chestnuts. The first attempt was last week and that resulted in a major chestnut explosion... actually, it was more like 2 explosions. The first occured in the oven and the second after I'd taken them out of the oven. So as you can imagine, there was a lot of cleaning done afterwards.

Tonight, I was determined that there would be no more disasters. I followed the instructions. I pierced each chestnut carefully on the flat side and chucked them in the preheated oven at 200 degrees. Alas, I was still unable to avert disaster- one chestnut was disobedient and had exploded in the oven. But but... I did make very sure I pierced each one!

Then there was the problematic peeling... The first few peeled quite easily but the rest were a bit of an ordeal. Why does the "furry" covering stick to the flesh??? It is impossible to get off. Yet, it is so hard and bitter that eating the chestnut with the furry skin intact isn't much of a solution.

In S'pore, chestnuts are sold at "pasar malams" where they are roasted in this big "roasting thingy" with coffee grounds... the aroma is delectable! What amazes me more is that the vendor doesn't seem to have problems with exploding chestnuts and peeling them doesn't seem to require the dexterity and skill of a chipmunk/squirrel!

I wouldn't bother if they didn't taste so good...

Oh yes, on a separate note, I've got to announce the latest member to my soft toy collection. Introducing.... Bob the policebear! He's an early Christmas gift from KC (he named him Bobby... but I reckon Bob sounds less tacky...)

Ok, guess it's time to try to get some sleep. Have to get up to do a locum shift at BOC.

Maysan's pink day

2006-11-12T01:10:00.000Z

We celebrated M's bday today... A wee bit early cos C and I will be away next weekend. It was meant to be a surprise, but I believe the birthday girl suspected something was up when she spotted J's bike!!! (so apart from shoes, we must remember to hide bikes in the future)

We had good food- LA's "one pot rice", C's herbal soup, YH's and KC2's veg and a birthday cake for dessert! (one that I made earlier :))

We laughed, laughed and laughed some more. Lame jokes, embarrassing moments, unintentional mishaps... they were all cause for laughter.

Then there was the photo shoot. We must've spent most of the evening taking silly pictures. Will upload some when I get them off J tomorrow.

As a tribute to the birthday gal, we're going to co-ordinate our attire tomorrow--- PINK.

So here's to flowers, cake and all things pink and fluffy!

The boys... & The gals...

The cake... Now you see it... Now you don't! (Waiter J did not provide KC2 with
any utensils. No points for guessing how the cake was consumed)

Itchy feet

2006-11-11T01:09:00.000Z

Got back from prayer meeting today and had itchy feet. No, I don't mean it figuratively. I literally had itchy feet. When I was in the shower, I initially tried to use one foot to rub the other (you know what I mean... I'm sure everyone's done it before). It did not satisfy. So I just dug my nails in and gave them a good hearty scratch. Ahh.... there... so much better:)

Well, the itch is gone now. Have not figured out the cause. Don't think there is one.

Hmm... why do I like blogging about the mundane, not-so-important things so much? There really are more important things that are happening in my life to talk about. Perhaps I spend so much time talking about them already that blogging is an outlet where I can make a note of the so-called "less significant" things in life. I do feel that they are worthy of thought.
Ok, perhaps I think too much... So many words and all I wanted to say was that I had itchy feet this evening.

Just to explain

2006-11-10T00:03:00.000Z

S saw me updating my blog and exclaimed, "Dim sum and lambchops??"
Ok, I guess for the benefit of those who don't get it, I should explain...

Well, most people who know me are aware that I absolutely love dim sum. I would happily have it for lunch everyday:) As for lambchops, well, I think I'd rather starve.

So yes, like a true S'porean, there is more to food than meets the stomach... It is representative of the joys and pains, ebb and flow, mountains and valleys of life.

I found the photos on google pictures... Sorry, I have yet to take any personal snapshots of dimsum or lambchops.

Royal Infirmary, Barcelona, Langkawi and the frustrated cactus

2006-11-09T00:02:00.000Z

Some updates since my last entry...

1. I've got a job for Feb 2007. A&E at Royal Infirmary. A testimony in itself!
2. Decided that a trip to Barcelona would be nice... the flights were a bargain and we've just booked our accommodation (have spent ages scouring the internet for a good deal).
3. Have agreed that it would be a nice idea to spend a few days at the end of the month in a beautiful Langkawi resort.

So yes, lots of holidays lined up... Don't know if they will make the prospect of starting work again any less appealing.

In case you were wondering, that's a frustrated cactus... was downloading emoticons and thought this one was cute. Yes, I do have better things to do, but this is addictive... and entertaining!

All day PJs

2006-11-02T16:38:00.000Z

It's 4.35pm. I'm still in PJs. "lazy bum" I hear you say... But seriously, I woke up at a relatively civilised time of 8.30am. Just haven't had to leave my flat all day, so didn't see the need to get out of my comfy PJs.

Got a new mobile phone 2 days ago. One of those cool walkman ones. Still in the process of learning to use it. Gadgets- look great, sound good, but for a techno-phobe like me, their full functions are never realised.

My revived past-time-- making gifts and cards. Made MS a birthday card last night. In sweet pink (her fave colour) and silver. Went a step further and made her a gift this afternoon. No prizes for guessing the predominant colour. I'm pinked out!

Have an interview tomorrow. Once again, I should be preparing for it, but no, it's still more than 12 hours away, so the sense of urgency hasn't yet kicked in. It'll come.

The fear of the Lord

2006-11-02T10:32:00.000Z

Read Deuteronomy 6 this morning. The fear of the Lord. This seems to be the message of this week. C shared about "fear, honour, reverence" on Sunday. And it has been in my mind. What does it mean to fear the Lord? Deuteronomy 6 tells of Moses warning the Israelites against complacency, against coming to that place where they lose the fear of God.

Therefore, the fear of the Lord compels us to live our lives in obedience to His commands, having no other gods before Him. And our obedience shall be credited to us as righteousness.

v5: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
strength."

v12: "be careful that you do not forget the Lord..."

v13: "Fear the Lord your God and serve him only and take your oaths in his name."

v25: "And if we are careful to obey all this law before the Lord our God, as he has commanded
us, that will be our righteousness."

Again, the result of fearing the Lord- to lack nothing. Cause and effect.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing."
- Psalm 34:8-10

Angry? Confused?

2006-11-01T22:09:00.000Z

Attended Singhealth presentation today. Still don't really see much difference between the 2 healthcare groups in S'pore. That's unless you want to do psych, which I don't.

I thought I had it all set out in my mind. Especially since I've now got my HSMP visa. I had planned on trying to secure a 6-month post for Feb 2007 and at the same time apply for the new ST training scheme which is due to commence in Aug 2007.

That was the plan. B told me this evening that there's some talk of Lord Warner and discussions regarding HSMP visa holders and their ineligibility to apply for the ST training scheme. Well, that was enough to rock my boat. Are you telling me that after all the hassle and the money spent (it really did cost a lot), my visa is as good as useless? Ok, I can legally reside in this country till Oct 2008, but if I can't join the training scheme, what is the point????

Frustrated. Confused. Angry. All wasted emotions though.

Perhaps it's time to pack up and return home. Perhaps I'm just a fool for wanting to remain in a country that pays little regard to people like me... the aliens...

The mooncake pig

2006-10-31T12:09:00.000Z

This is the "mooncake pig", half-eaten. I took photos of it as it sat on top of the microwave (better colour contrast). Have been meaning to post it, but only got round to doing it today. I'd purchased it for S shortly after the mooncake festival. This year, we didn't buy mooncake (we had an overdose of it last year). When I saw this little pig at the chinese supermarket, I remembered that S likes the "mooncake pig" that I so detested as a child and decided to buy it for her.
We have issues with mooncake. S likes the crust, the thicker the better. She also likes the yolk. I on the other hand, like the filling, so the thinner the crust the better. Plus, I really really dislike the yolk.

Back to the reason for the picture. Well, S commented after chomping the pig's abdomen and half of its gluteus maximus that the manufacturers must have squirted the filling in through a small orifice in the pig's butt. Yup, the poor pig got filling squirted in through its butt hole (anatomically speaking, through it's anus). I thought this most amusing and decided to attempt to capture it on photo. It was virtually impossible to zoom in on the anatomical orifice in question, so this was the best I managed.

Btw, S consumed the head last... which disturbed me much. I had previously advised her that the pig should be consumed in the same manner as jelly babies- you bite the head off first to prevent it from screaming. Oh well, it's her pig...

The sorrows of the world

2006-10-29T17:33:00.000Z

The world I live in is full of sadness. Within my extended family, there is evidence of the pain of living itself. The pain that the troubles of this world brings. Then there are the people whom I meet at work- colleagues, patients... And there are the people whom I walk past in my rush to get to my next destination. Spoken or unspoken, there is much sorrow.

Big problems, small problems... who's to judge? The same problem, 2 different people, 2 different responses. Why do some people have so much upon their shoulders and yet still find within them the courage to carry on? Not only carry on, but to love and to serve others with a big smile on their face. Yet there are others who seemingly have so much going right for them, but are filled with worry, with fear that they wouldn't be able to cope with the little load on their shoulders, with fear that they won't have enough for tomorrow?

We have each been given 1 life. It's up to us to live it. We have been given choices and the ablility to make these choices. Ever wondered... "Where would I be if I had taken the other road? Made a different choice?" Life is full of decisions. What would life be if we didn't have to make choices? Sort of like one of those books that I would read as a child, where you start from the first page, but how one gets to the ending is dependant on the options that one chooses along the way. Not only do those options determine the end, but they also determine the route and the length of time the adventure takes. Not dissimilar to life, isn't it?
Am reminded of a song by Michael Card- "Joy in the Journey". The joy is in the journey.

Troubles. People cope (or fail to cope) in different ways. Some just grit there teeth and get on with it, albeit miserably... others take it in their stride and cling on to the hope that it will get better... yet others just cave in under the pressure. Some turn to alcohol, others to drugs, others try to find an escape in the form of work or a hobby. Denial. How long can a person deny the existence of their troubles for? Surely it will one day drive them to insanity or depression.

And then there's God. Where does He come in? "If there is a God, why does He allow me to experience so much pain" you might say. I guess I don't have all the answers. I don't think anybody does. All I know is that whilst there are troubles in my life, I know that my Lord is always with me. He will never leave me, He will never forsake me. That in itself, along with the fact that I know He will never give me a burden to heavy to bear is more than enough for me to cling on to. If only everyone- my relatives, colleagues, patients, people whom I encounter on the street knew God, they wouldn't have to cope with life alone.

Since the beginning of time, since the fall of man, there has been pain in the world. And because there is a God, a God who loves us so much, He provided a way out. He endured all the pain, more pain than anything our lives bring. He died so that we don't have to, so that we won't perish. So, what does God know about pain? He knows everything there is to know about pain!
It's so hard for me to grasp why this world is so opposed to the Truth. And yet, I obviously must think that the truth is hard to understand, cos if I thought it easy to understand, I would be out there explaining it to everyone. It contradicts, doesn't it? Will they label me a lunatic? Will they call me a fool? Or will they just reject me outright? And come to think of it, instead of sharing it with people, I'm blogging it. Ok, it meets my need of wanting to tell someone (or the computer) in this instance, without having to await a response.

Well, I guess there is the chance that someone out there who stumbles upon this blog is hurting and in search for an answer. Small chance, but not impossible, right?

To all the people who are looking for answers to their troubles, their sadness, may the Joy of the Lord be your strength.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." - Rom 5:3

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isa 40:31

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." - 2Cor12:9

My bed residents

2006-10-23T22:43:00.000+01:00

Meet my bed residents... Yes, I've got an interview on Wednesday for the Edinburgh A&E job... and I really should be preparing for the interview... instead, I'm busy msn-ing and taking photos of my the inhabitants of my lovely bed... Let me introduce them... starting with the photo on the right (from left to right)- Mr Snowman, Elmo and Sheepy. The 3 of them have a special place on my bed whilst the rest of the clan sit on top of the chest outside my room. I know it's not right to show favouritism, but I can't help it. The three of them are special. Ok, I guess they're really cute (in my opinion), but that's not it. They each carry with them the sentiments of people dear to me-
1. Mr Snowman was a gift from SC. She had a Mr Snowman in her room and everytime I was there, I had to cuddle him... and one fine day, I found Mr Snowman on my bed! I thought someone had played a prank and kidnapped SC's Mr Snowman and put him on my bed... cos he looked exactly like SC's Mr Snowman! Complete with dirt on nose! But it was a case of mistaken identity. Sweet SC had bought me Mr Snowman's twin. Actually, they look so alike I reckon he must be a clone! Btw, he's the softest, squishiest creature ever! I won't go into the details of my favourite parts of his anatomy...

2. Elmo was a gift from "the nasals"... yup, the bunch of secondary school friends whom I treasure so much to this day. Just before I left for the UK, we had a get-together session and they presented me with an elmo cake that they had made together. I was most touched! And at the airport, I was given elmo... the little red creature himself to take on board the flight. He's been with me all these years, through good times and bad... I'm sure he's got some of my dried up tears on his torso! And btw, my elmo's a haemophiliac - it's my explanation for his bright red fur. Poor Elmo!

3. Sheepy once lived in Takashimaya departmental store in S'pore. He travelled a long way to the UK with his purchaser and guardian to the UK in July 2004. The first time we met was on the day of my graduation. He's no longer as white as he used to be, but I love him to bits. Back to Sheepy's guardian- I love her to bits too... yup, even more than Sheepy... that really does say a lot. That's the reason why sheepy even has a solo photo... to emphasise his status in my bed-dom.

Now it's back to the "questions they could ask me at interview"... I've come up with a list of questions (not exhaustive). That's a tenth of the problem solved. I now need to come up with the answers.

Musings of a birthday grouch

2006-10-23T01:00:00.000+01:00

Yet another year. My birthday ended 55 min ago.

Birthdays... are they worth celebrating? I do sometimes wonder. But, like most of the human race, I've celebrated my coming of age somewhat conventionally. Through the years, this has taken on many forms... from the pool parties and 'care bear' cakes to 'sit down' sophisticated lunches with my family, to 'surprise' parties, to 'try to be surprised' parties...

But a strange phenomenon has plagued me since my 21st birthday. That of the "birthday grouch" effect. For some reason, unknown to myself, I have been grouchy on my birthday. Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate all the effort, love, well wishes and prezzies that my family and friends shower upon me. The problem lies within. I don't understand it. Has anyone ever experienced an itch at the sole of their foot that wouldn't go away no matter where or how hard you scratch? Well, it's a bit like that... I can't identify the source!

And yet, I have absolutely nothing against birthdays. I thoroughly enjoy celebrating other people's birthdays. I especially love the joy and surprise that lights up their faces. So, what is my problem? Do I feel unworthy of their love? Am I a reluctant recipient? Hmm... perhaps it's my self-esteem... Or just the odd embarrassment of being the centre of attention. (Oh how I do like blending into the background)

Having said that, I resolved last night that this year's going to be different. I'm going to embrace my birthday and everything that comes with it with a big smile and a thankful heart.
And guess what... I've had a fantastic birthday. Enjoyed the whole lot... the cakes, the birthday choruses, the overload of rich food... yup, even the awkwardness of being the centre of attention for a day.

More than anything, I thank the Lord for the year that has passed. He has been there, just as I've prayed each morning- that the Lord will walk before me, walk beside me and watch me from behind. For each step that I take in the future, big or small, I know that He is there to guide me. In faith, I shall step forth.

"To hear with my heart
To see with my soul
To be guided by a hand
I cannot hold
To trust in a way
That I cannot see
That's what faith must be"
-Michael card

Till next year...

The public library

2006-10-05T22:54:00.000+01:00

I registered myself with the local library today. Yup, the library that I must've walked past more than a thousand times over my 7 years in Glasgow. Before today, I had only walked into that library once. Even then, it was only because I was accompanying a friend who had to return a book. Gosh, public libraries sure have evolved since the days when I frequented them (ok,I lie... I've never really been a regular library-goer, but you know what I mean). If the ones in Glasgow are offering wireless internet access, imagine what the libraries around the rest of the world must be offering! (literacy rates in this city ain't fantastic, in case you were wondering)
Why hadn't I ventured in before? I guess during my uni days, I always had access to the Uni library and Med school study landscape. When I started working, there was the hospital library. But now that I've joined the booming unemployment market, I figured it would be a good time to join the local library.
So equipped with my new Glasgow City Council library card, I'm looking forward to cold, wet days spent in the warm local library amongst novels, magazines, DVDs and flat screen computers... a welcome change from the shelves of kumar and clark, robbins, harrison's, bmj issues and the like...

I fail to understand

2006-10-04T21:44:00.000+01:00

Whenever I walk home from the gym, I go past a funeral home. Today however, I noticed that there was a black SUV-like vehicle parked outside and on it was painted "Funeral home ambulance". Yup, a funeral home ambulance, complete with rooftop sirens and all. I fail to understand... why on earth would a funeral home require an ambulance... I mean... surely it'd be too late by then...